We the People, In Order to Form a More Perfect Sports League

Being a sports fan is what used to define me. Heck, to many people, my sports fandom is still what defines me¹. It's no coincidence; I love most sports, playing or watching. I used to memorize everything I could about the Indians. I've been known to disappear from society during Grand Slam events. I even cover basketball as a beat.
But in recent years, my enthusiasm has ebbed. There are a number of reasons for this. ESPN's dominance of everything sport has proven irksome, as has the obnoxiousness of fans in general. These are, however, minor annoyances I could probably deal with. What I find extremely off-putting is the antagonizing nature of the athletes and owners. Despite the facts these teams and leagues exist because of the fans, players, owners, and leagues treat fans like crap. Athletes regard fans with contempt, as wannabes that are jealous of their talent, fame, and fortune². Owners and leagues look at fans as cash cows to be milked for everything they're worth. We lose at every turn.

It's one thing to be subjected to MLB's ridiculous blackout rules or NFL season ticket holders being forced to but preseason tickets. Yeah, it's annoying and a little bit of a mugging, but most will gnash their teeth and deal with it. It's entirely another thing for leagues and owners to hold cities and taxpayers hostage in order to procure sweetheart deals that make the mega-rich even richer.

This is nothing new. New baseball stadia have been springing up all over America the last 15 years after every team rattled the pauper's cup. If a city hesitated, Bug Selig would swoop in and suggest a different city would be willing to foot the bill for a new palace the organization so clearly deserved. No matter if that team actually won, of course. They must have a new stadium, and when they get it, the wins will come with it. I need not cite anything that disproves that stupid argument; I need only to point in the general direction of Pittsburgh.

Then we come to the sad tale of the Seattle Sonics, and how the great fans there got totally abused by the ownership, David Stern, and eventually the city.

The straw that breaks the camel's back comes from Miami. I remember my trip there last year and seeing a number of people angry about the prospect of a new stadium for the Marlins. They didn't want what they characterized as a bailout for the team. I didn't know much about it, and most of the people that were against it were poor, so I thought that perhaps it was only the lower classes that were opposed to the idea.

Turns out they were on to something. Reports have come in detailing the way the Marlins management completely hoodwinked the city and county government, crying poor while pocketing deep profits and finagling a deal that will cost taxpayers $2.4 billion. Yeah. Billion. What makes this all the sadder is that this is only the latest episode in what has become a long-running series. Owners start to complain they're not making any money and that their venue is outdated. They threaten to leave the area, pitting local governments against fans that do not want to see their team leave³. They manage to procure a new building at little personal expense but get to keep the vast majority of the profits generated from it. This is the pattern. This is the playbook.

Do we see the problem with this? Because I do. We do not exist to pour money into the coffers of sports ownership. If they want to upgrade their facilities, they should do it themselves. If you want to make the argument that the city should chip in because it benefits from these teams, fine. But these men (not women) need to start paying their fair share, especially in these tough times.

Until they get a reality check, I'm done. These greedy people will get no more of my money. I will continue to support the ATP, as they have the crazy idea of financing themselves. But the NBA, MLB? Done. I'll go so far as to steal from them at every opportunity, just because they do it to us. We need to stand up and let them know they won't build a fortune off our tax money. I'll take a step forward. Consider coming with me.

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1 This is something I embraced in the past. Now it's something I'm trying to shed.

2 They are right at least some of the time. The cutthroat nature of fandom these days does nothing to endear a player to anyone.

3 Why is it that so many of the people that happily agree to pay more in taxes to build new arenas rail against school levies and social programs?

This Might Not Make Sense

The average IQ is 100. This provides an objective benchmark for comparing people, but most of us use ourselves as the standard. We consider people smarter than us to be smart and those not as smart to be, well, not smart. This is OK when you're average intelligence, but what if you're not? Are dumb people considering slightly less dumb people smart? Are smart people considering slightly less smart people dumb? Does that truly matter?

The older I get, the more I think the "ignorance is bliss" axiom is true. I think this is because I look around and I see a lot of people wrapped up in their consumerism and/or their own worlds, and they all seem pretty happy. Meanwhile, the people who like to take a deeper look and change things don't seem to be quite as thrilled with the world¹. Change never came from those who were satisfied.

It's well documented that many great artists and thinkers had problems with depression and other disorders. This is not likely a coincidence; it seems harder, for some reason, to produce great things when you're happy.

It's like some sort of devil's bargain. Most people who are smart and/or gifted probably wouldn't trade it for the sort of carefree demeanor the less worldly seem to enjoy, but it seems to come with some sort of torture mentally or emotionally. There is a price to be paid. Faulkner probably doesn't write The Sound and the Fury if he loved everything, right? It seems to be harder to be happy, the smarter and/or more gifted you are. It's like you see things, and you see how it's all wrong, and it's all you can focus on. And nobody else is able or willing to see it that way. How can you possibly be happy?

Maybe The Matrix was on to something. If you saw the truth, how could you deal with it? Those people never seemed happy, but they didn't want to trade their knowledge for happiness. Except Cypher, of course.

What it comes down to is I think the mentally and artistically exceptional have a sort of burden, something trying to drag them down. Some hide it, some don't acknowledge it, but it's there. Some overcome it, some embrace it, some merely fight it to a standstill. But it exists. There's a reason Alanis Morisette stopped making good music after she wasn't angry anymore. How many people still listen to "Thank U"?

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1 I realize this sounds really bitter and kind of elitist. This is not intentional.

It's Not Me, It's You...

...well, maybe it's me a little.

Here's the thing: I used to love football. I lived for Sunday¹ and spending the day watching guys in bright helmets run around the gridiron all day. I would bury myself in the draft every spring. I didn't miss a playoff game. Football. The pigskin. A man's² game. I didn't come to it as early as I came to hockey, basketball, or baseball, but darn it if I didn't fall in love with it. Monday Night Football! Brilliant! Heck, when the Browns left Cleveland, I didn't even miss a beat, adopting the Carolina Panthers in the meantime. When the Browns returned, I felt the excitement and decided I needed to be a part of that.

And it was fun, even watching the Brownies lose week after week. Baseball had become boring and the Penguins were so bad, it was painful³. But football was always there!

I'm not sure when things started to turn. I think it was when a player for the Eagles died and even though he was in his 40s, he took so much abuse he had the brain of a man twice his age. Maybe it was when Jerome Bettis said he felt like the game took years off his life. I started to think. Around that time, it seemed like every other player in the NFL was sustaining some horrible injury. What was I watching, exactly? These guys, insane athletes, were crashing into each other with violent force hundreds of times a game. They were quite literally killing themselves one play at a time. When you realize that, it's not a whole lot of fun to watch.

Plus, the NFL comes out with all these rules about celebrations. It's dumb. It's a game, guys. If Chad Johnson wants to do a riverdance, let him. I enjoy watching it. And lest we forget, we're supposed to be enjoying ourselves, right? Right? I suppose these rules stem from the general arrogance that comes from the game these days. Football demands you follow it. It is the “greatest sport in the galaxy,” and that should be enough for you, as one executive put it. Tell someone you don't like football⁴. See if they keep talking to you. It's crazy.

Eventually, I realized that these guys are killing each other for what amounts to a game that is actually pretty lame. Think about it: They huddle for 30 seconds, run a play for about four seconds, then huddle up again. It's so slow. Then there is timeout after timeout after timeout. What's so fun about it?

I think what kept me going was my devotion to the Browns I liked being a part of a fanbase so passionate, so devoted. These people filled the stadium even in terrible seasons. I never liked college football⁵. It's like pro football, only played incompetently. However, my general ambivalence toward the sport started to chip away at my fandom. When “fans” cheered Derek Anderson getting hurt, that was it for me. I turned my card in. The Browns got crushed by the Titans this week, and I didn't even care. That's it.

Even fantasy football, because of the prevalence of injuries, has become unfun to play. I love fantasy sports⁶, so this depresses me. I don't know how much longer I can stick that out.

So that's it. Me, not a football fan. We'll see how I do beyond the pale.

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1 Aside from going to church. I love going to church.

2 Incidentally, some of the toughest and scariest athletes I know are women. Don't mess with a rugby player.

3 Seriously, it was an insult to hockey and it makes this current run all the more enjoyable.

4 Also tell that person you think it's ironic that a country that values personal freedom so much also loves a game that exudes classic communist traits. That's fun.

5 Why do I attend so many OU games? You tell me. It must be a sense of obligation... and the 110. They weren't there for the Akron game, and I wasn't either.

6 I'm one of those guys that would rather have my fantasy team win than my pro team win. Why? Because it's my team! I'm actually involved!

Yeah, I Might Be Getting Older

Impressing your friends, age 14: "Yeah, man, I just got Goldeneye! It's soooo sweet!"

Impressing your friends, age 24: "Dude, I just got a new bed. From the Original Mattress Factory. Seriously. It's great."

Your Dreams Here

Hold on, I need a moment to get over the fact the title of the last two entries start with the same word... OK. Better now.

I was at Disney World last week, my fifth trip to the House of Mouse. I have frequently said Disney is my favorite place I've been to on this planet. It's a pretty magical place (the shopping bags say so), and I'm able to really loosen up while I'm there. Not this time, though. I came in Tuesday afternoon because I had an interview with UPS; the rest of the family left Sunday morning. So they had two and a half days on me. The whole time I felt like I was playing catchup: Catching up with the people that had already done a lot of stuff, catching up on the sleep I missed for my 6 a.m. interview. I felt rushed, even though I was there until Saturday. Sleep was inconsistent. I ate way too much of food I didn't really want in the first place but forced down because someone else was paying a lot of money for it. Really, I didn't need an appetizer, entree, and dessert at every meal.

I was annoyed because I felt like UPS was a waste of time. More problematic, I rarely felt myself relax. Something about being with my family, being home makes me very tense. I just couldn't let myself be happy. I couldn't let go. And if I can't do that at Disney World, where can I do it? What is the answer? Sometimes I just sit here and try not to cry because I can't figure any of this out. My father wants me to be here because, for some reason, he thinks Athens isn't a good environment there. But I'm generally happier there than I am here.

So now I don't have a job and no car... not sure what I'm supposed to do at this point. I'm quite unhappy, I know that much.

But for your viewing pleasure, the countries at Epcot's World Showcase, ranked based on the hotness of the women working there:

1. Norway: A huge surprise to me, but a quite pleasant one. There was one particularly gorgeous girl working at the Maelstrom ride. She was something, let me tell you. Plus, they had nifty shirts. But really, I'm surprised by this. Didn't know what the Vikings were hiding.
2. United Kingdom: OK, this rank is really just for the Irish girl I chatted up in one of the stores. But she deserves it.
3. Italy: Honestly, I think I've underrated the Italian people for a very long time. But there was a very nice lineup of Italian girls present, especially one working at the perfume store.
4. China: Big upset here. Very cute girls with eager smiles. I can't ask for much more. But their gift shop had some of the most expensive crap in it...
5. Freedom: Ashley's encounter with a French man would probably have her place them higher, but whatever. There are some particularly stunning French women (and I'd be killed if I left someone out), but there's also a lot of, um, homely ones.
6. Japan: This is the big disappointment for me. This is a country of beautiful lilies, and they seem to have taken the carnations.
7. Germany: Meh.
8. Morocco: I didn't really see many women, but what I did see wasn't too impressive.
9. Mexico: Egads. Guess the hot ones were caught climbing over the fence.

US and Canada don't count. They're not foreign.