Please, Just Stop

Has there been a sports star less interesting and compelling in recent memory than Michael Phelps? The man has the personality of a doorknob. Yet even one year after the Beijing Olympics, he's still all over the media. Why? Even the bong "controversy" was bland. Not even the media hype machine could generate much interest in the story.

Just let the man swim in pools and date strippers. That's all he's good for. Tell us about people that might actually capture our attention.

Jacko

Amid all the strange postmortem love for Michael Jackson was innumerable people citing him as an influence. It's not hard to see; how can you be a worldwide phenomenon, sell a kabillion records, and not inspire others? NeYo said Jackson is the very reason he wanted to be a musician, and that all R&B artists owe their careers to him.

Well, now I know whom to blame.

I Have the Best Water Bottle in the World

I don't get excited much about material possessions. Sure, I'll salivate over a book or maybe a new racquet, but that's about it. However, this beauty is quite the exception.

Awesome, isn't it?

It holds 750mL of liquid. Only 75% of what my Nalgene holds, but that's OK. What sets this apart is the double-walled, vacuum-sealed nature of the bottle. In other words, cold things stay cold and hot things stay hot. For hours. I've had ice cubes only half melted several hours in the July sun. It's amazing. I love it. It doesn't sweat, either, which makes it easy to hold.

It also has a filter cap that keeps things like ice cubes from hitting me in the mouth while I'm drinking. And it has two twist caps: A bigger one for pouring, a smaller one for drinking.

It's my new favorite thing. I can't recommend it enough.

I've Been Outsmarted by my Grandmother

Every year since I stopped having birthday parties¹, I got a card in the mail from my maternal grandmother. I suspect I'm not alone in this regard. In the card was a check, money I could spend anyway I want! Woohoo! It was never a large amount; she grew up during the Great Depression, had enough to get by but never a lot, retired some time ago, and has been a widower for almost two decades now².

Accordingly, the amount of those checks steadily decreased through the years. They started to be accompanied with notes of apology for not being for very much. She just couldn't afford to give more³. Some time ago, I simply stopped cashing the checks. I felt like the she needed the money more than I would like to have it.

I didn't tell anybody about this until this year, mentioning it to my father. He told me I should be cashing them⁴; I had no desire to. It was a system that I thought was working out well: She would write them, I would ignore them, she kept the money. After all, it's the thought that counts, right?

Well, I recently opened birthday card 2009. Inside was a $20 bill. Apparently she had noticed I wasn't cashing the checks⁵. I can't exactly send it back to her, can I?

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1 I honestly cannot remember when I ended this practice. After I turned 14? If you remember, help me out.

2 A sobering realization, typing that.

3 She has seven grandchildren and four great-grandchildren. She probably doesn't send anything to three of them anymore, but that's still a lot to spread around.

4 Anyone else thinking of the "Seinfeld" episode? I feel like saying, "She's on a very fixed income!"

5 Or she just didn't feel like writing one. I find this less likely.