The World is Not Making Sense

I give up. I've thrown the towel in. I'm done. Apparently I wasn't completely off the mark earlier, as Jessica told me she's getting back together with her ex. Awesome. So really, I've learned that doing things the "right way" is just a quick path to pain and misery. Don't treat women with respect. Don't compliment them. Don't do things for them and let them know what they mean to you. Instead, you should cheat on them, abuse them, lie to them, mess with them... these are the things that women apparently like. The good guys sit on the sidelines while the losers get chance after chance after chance.
So I'm done. I can't take this anymore. I've taken my hat out of the ring. I don't even want to talk to women right now. If you see me considering dating a girl, punch me in the nose. The same crap happens every single time, so I'm not even going to try anymore.
On a related note, I was having a conversation with Nate and Carolyn the other night. I somehow got to talking about my sister and mentioned she was dating some guy at Kent. I said it was one of those things where you go to school, meet some idiot guy, and date him for a while. After I said that, I looked at Carolyn and realized that was exactly the same thing with us! I am an idiot! How did I not see this before? It never meant as much to her as it did to me. It astounds me how much of a moron I am sometimes. Really, I should get an award for it.

As much fun as perpetual whining about women is, there are other things going on in my life. For instance, I'm on the verge of murdering my roommate. I don't know what the deal is with this kid. For the weekend, he wasn't getting up until about 6 PM! 6 PM! Who does that? So of course he's going to bed at insane hours; today he got up at 6, went to bed at 4, then woke up again at about midnight. There's no rhyme or reason to any of it. It drives me nuts. Of course, I guess when all you do is sit at the computer like a waste of humanity, you don't need a regular sleep schedule. And I thought I was unusual.

The Australian Open has started, and it's awesome. Live tennis at three in the morning is a thing I am very much in favor of. James Blake looked good in his first match against Moya; we'll see if he can make a significant run in Melbourne.

I love the Taco Bell commercials with Carmen Electra. I guess now that she's not with Dave Navarro anymore, she's more willing to debase herself again for money. Good for her.

I finally took advantage of the Little Caesar's $5 pizza deal. I'm going to have to do that more often. It's particularly fantastic. I mean, why didn't I do this before? Walk in, hand them a Jefferson, walk out with a pizza. Genius! Everyone should do this. It's amazing.

I don't know if I mentioned this, but I love the rock garden fountain Tim and Fi got me for Christmas. It's great. Sometimes, I'll just stare at it for several minutes. It's a great de-stressor.

In case you didn't read "The Christian Paradox" that I linked to in my last entry, I'm going to do it again and urge you to read it. This article spoke to me about a few things that had been in my head. This is a country that claims to be Christian, but it just doesn't follow through on its words. Religion- Jesus- is not words. It's life. I can say I'm left-handed, but it doesn't make me so. Too many seem to regard this faith as a moral code. It's not. And honestly, I'm sort of tired of this country. I want to see what else is out there. Europe may be more "explicit," but it is probably more honest, too. That's the thing here in the US. We're hypocrites. We do stuff we claim not to do. I'm not saying we should do whatever, but at least we ought to stop lying about it. It might be easier to raise children in a culture of honesty than one of deceit. You know, I don't think I'm going to refer to myself as a Christian anymore. I don't think the word accurately describes the path I have set out on anymore. Thoughts?

Close Your Eyes and Say Good Night

So I think Nate is getting tired of me destroying him in Smash Bros. I don't even remember the last time he's won a game. Speaking of games, I've been playing Betrayal at the House on the Hill, which is a lot of fun. Basically, it's a board game in which 3-6 players are exploring the neighborhood haunted house. The twist is that one of the party is a traitor. At some point the game, the traitor is revealed along with his plan. The traitor tries to accomplish whatever goals s/he has and the heroes try to stop him. You don't know who the traitor is or what the scenario is in advance; it's all random. Good fun for a group, and just about anyone can enjoy it.

Basketball plays Kent Sunday at 2. As it turns out, Kent chose their home MAC opener for their "let's try and sell out the gym" promotion, so it looks like the Bobcats are going to be playing in front of a full house on the road. Ohio hasn't played well at the M.A.C. Center recently, so I'm not too optimistic on this one.
On a vaguely related note, I owe a friend of mine a high-five and jealousy because he achieved the Impossible Dream, dating a volleyball player. I'm pretty sure his life is more awesome than mine now.

At the moment, I'm listening to "Story of a Girl" by Nine Days and it makes me feel good and sad at the same time. I'm weird.

Met Emma's boyfriend, Noah, today. Nice guy. We seem to have a lot in common, so we've gotten along pretty well. They seem pretty good for each other. Hope they are; she deserves a break to go her way.
A quick thought about relationship-esque things: I'm pretty sure TV and movies are to blame for this, but I realized at some point in the recent past that I'm terrified to do anything physical with women. I'm completely convinced that they don't to be touched, don't like to be kissed, don't want to have sex... none of that. Yes, it's insane, but whenever I'm trying to touch, kiss, whatever, I'm always thinking she doesn't want to, that only guys like this and girls just want to... talk or something. On a related note, I always like it 500% more when a girl is the one to initiate a hand holding or whatever. I'm pretty sure Shasta likes it when I pet her, though. So I do it a lot.

Anyone who's known me a while knows that for whatever reason, my roommates typically don't stick around for a while. Well, I have one that doesn't look like he's leaving anytime soon... and I can't stand him. He's a slob, he's dirty, and he doesn't do anything. The other day, he was smelling the room up so bad that I had to leave. And this is even with an Air Wick and employing Febreeze. He doesn't put his dirty clothes in a hamper or bag or anything; instead, he throws it all into one giant pile. Mind you, he has a clothing bag or two, but they've been incorporated into the giant pile. He moves it from his bed to his chair depending on which he's using. He's been sleeping in until about 6 p.m. He doesn't go anywhere, doesn't talk to anyone, just sits at his computer and does... whatever all day. Seriously. He doesn't move. Nobody other than his twin brother has ever come to visit him. I mean, is he even alive? Oy.

But hey, it's not all doom and gloom. The Australian Open starts on Sunday! And here is a very cool game that I discovered at random a little bit ago; it got Cheryl Sadler completely hooked.
Food for thought: Is Christianity in America a lie? Honestly, I think it is. A former professor once put forth the theory that there are two Christianities, a religious Christianity and a social Christianity. The people that belong to the latter don't really know or really care about the tenants and lifestyle of the faith, but use it as a rallying point for whatever it is they want to accomplish (see: gay marriage). The Religious Right is a pretty good example of this. Is their mission religious or political? It's hard to argue in earnest that it's God directing them when a lot of what they do flies in the face of the teachings of Jesus.

And I can't remember if I mentioned this, but some jerk has been stealing markers or breaking the tips off them from my whiteboard. Honestly, who does that? Why? It's not funny. I don't get people. If you have a problem with me, just come to me. I'd like to think I'm reasonable.

Really Trying Not to be Emo

I feel really emo sometimes. I can't help it. It's just like... everything goes out of its way just to kick me. I don't get it. I really don't.

OK, some happy stuff first: The basketball team smacked around Bowling Green tonight, 69-47. BG was never close, and the defense played quite well. The 'Cats are now 2-0 in the MAC and 11-4 overall with a date with Kent on Sunday. A win there and the sky is the limit. I said before this is the best team in my five years at OU, and I haven't seen anything to change that. Also, the first Dervish of the quarter is up.

Some introspective stuff: I still feel trepidation/am a little afraid around Carolyn. A little bit with Kat, too, but that's different. With Carolyn, it's like I fear that I'm going to start liking her again, or that I never really stopped liking her in the first place... and that's only going to cause the both of us pain. I'm so paranoid. I mean, I don't feel like I like her anymore. It's just... weird, seeing her, being around her, remembering how we were at each other's throats last quarter. And that's just supposed to be forgotten? Well, probably, but it's not how I'm used to going about things. I'm not sure where she fits in, or where she's supposed to fit in. And I guess with Kat, it's just like our relationship. I'm waiting for something bad to happen. It just doesn't feel right. The other shoe should be dropping (remember the paranoia?) for some reason, even though there's absolutely no reason to expect it to. And that's my problem, really. I'm always convinced I'm going to get hurt or I'm going to hurt someone else.

Bad stuff: Speaking of, I hadn't mentioned Jessica in... um... some time. I had sent her a little thing for Christmas with a card, a bookmark with her name and a Bible verse, and a poem I wrote her. I hadn't heard from her in a couple weeks, so I was getting afraid that either she didn't get it or that she did and did not like it. Well, I finally got a hold of her a couple days ago. She said that she did get it, and that it was totally sweet and that she loved it. Awesome. I message her tonight and she tells me she's having an "intense" conversation with her former boyfriend... the one that cheated on her. So, based on recent events and my own protective nature, I naturally jump into defense mode. And boy did that conversation not go well. She said it was weird because it had been so long but he's the only guy she's ever truly loved, and they've been hanging out now that she's in North Carolina, and he's planning on enrolling at BYU-Idaho in the future, and he might be angling for something... during the course of the conversation she said I was making her feel dumb and that I was jumping all over her (which really just made me feel terrible, let me tell you). Ugh. That could not have gone much worse.
I mean... if when everything is said and done she gets back with this guy, that's pretty much the worst case scenario. I would be completely devastated by that. A guy throws away the one thing I never and he gets it again? I couldn't take that. Am I getting ahead of myself, jumping to conclusions? Absolutely. Is this the sort of thing that happens to me? It totally is. (Remember the paranoia?)

In other words, I hate women. I think I should just move out to California with Mr. Chesnut and start over or something.

But I should think positively, right? I mean, after all, this whole thing just means that the door is open for someone else.

Three day weekend coming up. That'll be nice. Maybe we'll head up to Kent for the game Sunday. I don't know. I do know I have a lot of work to do. I want to work on my AmeriCorps apps too. It's only the second week of the quarter and Kat already looks quite tired. The girl does too much; she only gets three hours or so of sleep a night. Why work like that? I said she should drink a lot of Red Bull. She said she doesn't want the crash and will fuel herself with "personal motivation." Right. I think the body will just refuse at one point.

So This is the New Year

You know, every year we get the political cartoons and platitudes of leaving the bad of the previous year behind. It was most prevalent in 2000 as we bid "goodbye" to Hitler, McVeigh, etc. We act as though because we have to buy a new calendar, it's somehow a fresh start, a clean slate. I don't get this. Nothing changes on January 1st but a number. We never leave anything behind, we don't start anew. And if we did, we never do anything with it. Look at 2001. Look at 2006. We do the same terrible, stupid, destructive things that we always have. I'm not saying a new year isn't worth celebrating, but let's not delude ourselves. The same crap happens every year.

So we started with the new quarter this week. Like I said earlier, I think I have a pretty solid slate of classes. So when I started the quarter out, I was feeling pretty good. I get to Bentley for my first class at 11, walk into the classroom, and who do I see? Kat. Freaking Kat. I just wanted to laugh. I mean... come on. Why? See, I'm God's hackey sack. He loves to mess with me.
The part that I found even weirder- and even frightened me a little- is that we actually talked for about 10 minutes after the class and it wasn't even awkward at all. I mean... shouldn't it be awkward? The last time I saw her, she was dumping me. There should be something a little weird about talking in that circumstance.
And as a quick aside, Carolyn and I have actually been able to talk to each other without any problem, which has helped to give me some closure I didn't know I needed. The whole thing still hurts, though. I don't heal quickly.

As someone pointed out to me, I'm a full-throttle guy. I don't hold back. I'm all the way. And because of that, I get the highest highs and the lowest lows. That's pretty much true. She recommended that I try to temper myself a bit... I just don't see how I can do that, though. I mean, it's not... not me. I don't know. I have closed my heart off again, though... I just can't take another blow again. I just can't. I know it makes Melissa mad, but it's a survival thing.

OK, something a bit happier. The basketball team opened the MAC season off last night against Akron, the preseason favorite in the conference. And let me tell you, that game was hot. The O Zone was completely packed; kids were standing in the aisles and it spilled over into the section above us. The rest of the crowd looked pretty full (the official attendance was about 5,300, but it looked more like 7k). Our props of spinwheels and giant foam bricks came in, and it was really cool to see them in action. Most of all, we were loud and active. Especially after a couple monster alley-oops by Jerome Tillman, the O Zone was as loud as I've ever heard it. The whole thing was great. I hope we keep that up all year.

And lastly, I need to say I just found out that someone very important to me was hit by her ex-boyfriend while they were dating (left a bruise one time). It made me furious, to the point that if he were nearby, I would've grabbed some sort of weapon and went to town on him. You just DO NOT DO THAT. EVER. And it bothers me just as much that she didn't feel like she could tell me or anyone else out of concern for him. It's all so wrong on so many levels. And another friend of mine is being stalked by an ex-boyfriend, which brought her to tears the other night. I don't get it. I really don't. How can guys treat women with such disrespect? What did they do to deserve it?

There's so much I cannot understand.