Thrown Back

I hate you
because I hate myself
The way I look
at you
is not true
The way I talk
to you
is not real.
I take myself out
on you
because I can't
take myself out
on me.

Basics

I'm still me,
Are you still you?
Or did you
turn into someone else too?

Your Dreams Here

Hold on, I need a moment to get over the fact the title of the last two entries start with the same word... OK. Better now.

I was at Disney World last week, my fifth trip to the House of Mouse. I have frequently said Disney is my favorite place I've been to on this planet. It's a pretty magical place (the shopping bags say so), and I'm able to really loosen up while I'm there. Not this time, though. I came in Tuesday afternoon because I had an interview with UPS; the rest of the family left Sunday morning. So they had two and a half days on me. The whole time I felt like I was playing catchup: Catching up with the people that had already done a lot of stuff, catching up on the sleep I missed for my 6 a.m. interview. I felt rushed, even though I was there until Saturday. Sleep was inconsistent. I ate way too much of food I didn't really want in the first place but forced down because someone else was paying a lot of money for it. Really, I didn't need an appetizer, entree, and dessert at every meal.

I was annoyed because I felt like UPS was a waste of time. More problematic, I rarely felt myself relax. Something about being with my family, being home makes me very tense. I just couldn't let myself be happy. I couldn't let go. And if I can't do that at Disney World, where can I do it? What is the answer? Sometimes I just sit here and try not to cry because I can't figure any of this out. My father wants me to be here because, for some reason, he thinks Athens isn't a good environment there. But I'm generally happier there than I am here.

So now I don't have a job and no car... not sure what I'm supposed to do at this point. I'm quite unhappy, I know that much.

But for your viewing pleasure, the countries at Epcot's World Showcase, ranked based on the hotness of the women working there:

1. Norway: A huge surprise to me, but a quite pleasant one. There was one particularly gorgeous girl working at the Maelstrom ride. She was something, let me tell you. Plus, they had nifty shirts. But really, I'm surprised by this. Didn't know what the Vikings were hiding.
2. United Kingdom: OK, this rank is really just for the Irish girl I chatted up in one of the stores. But she deserves it.
3. Italy: Honestly, I think I've underrated the Italian people for a very long time. But there was a very nice lineup of Italian girls present, especially one working at the perfume store.
4. China: Big upset here. Very cute girls with eager smiles. I can't ask for much more. But their gift shop had some of the most expensive crap in it...
5. Freedom: Ashley's encounter with a French man would probably have her place them higher, but whatever. There are some particularly stunning French women (and I'd be killed if I left someone out), but there's also a lot of, um, homely ones.
6. Japan: This is the big disappointment for me. This is a country of beautiful lilies, and they seem to have taken the carnations.
7. Germany: Meh.
8. Morocco: I didn't really see many women, but what I did see wasn't too impressive.
9. Mexico: Egads. Guess the hot ones were caught climbing over the fence.

US and Canada don't count. They're not foreign.

Your Letter

I was unpacking my things earlier when I found it. I didn't know I still had it; I must have thrown it somewhere long ago and forgotten about it. The curious soul I am, I read it again. The words were still familiar: "I do NOT (emphasis yours) play games and I don't want to string you along."

I think we all know how well you lived up to those words. In the end, all you did was play games. Just a few short days ago, you still were when I ran into your mother briefly. I noticed your fake smile, your faux friendly attitude. If I was motivated, I would wonder what part of you was the truth. Or do you even know?

No matter. I haven't thrown the letter away-it's now where I put such things-but I have thrown you away. If someone reads it and they ask who you are, I'll just say, "Oh, some girl. She doesn't matter."

And just so you know, I'm not playing games.