The Slowly Creeping Insanity

I kind of hate Pixar. I didn't see “Toy Story 3” until a couple weeks ago. When going to the theatre, I certainly did not expect it to take a crowbar to my emotional Pandora's Box. Quick spoiler: When they were at the incinerator holding hands and bracing for the end, I was about to sob uncontrollably. I totally believed they were about to die and I could not understand how Pixar could do that to us.

Knowing the tear-misting effects the movie had, I steeled myself emotionally near the end. I didn't cry, mainly because I was so determined not to. But darn it if the movie would not win in the end.

Later that night, I was lying on the couch watching a DVD. For reasons that I still do not know, I thought back to May. She had come to visit for the weekend, and we were on that couch watching “The Princess Bride.” Eventually, we ended up cuddling. It was later in the night and she was tired, so she was drifting in and out of sleep. I wasn't tired at all, so I was just lying there, holding her, sometimes watching her. Occasionally, she would wake up and look back at me. Once or twice when she did that, she smiled. And it wasn't a smile of excitement. It was a smile of contentment, the kind of smile you have when things are as they should be.

We made plans for me to come up to her and take her to “Toy Story 3.” A few days before I was going to do that, she pulled away again. The reasons she gave were a rephrasing of things she's said before. So I was on my couch, thinking of both of these things, and a wave of sadness swept over me. I couldn't figure out why this was happening, which only made it worse.

Intellectually, I accept why she pushed me away again. But for whatever reason, I can't accept it emotionally. I have in the past, but it's been different this time, and I don't know why. I've tried to sort it out but failed. It's been really hard, because it keeps sneaking up on me and taking me to a place I don't want to go. I have not been able to shake this for some time now, and it's eating away at me. I understand now is not the time. I do. But there is that part of me that is so convinced we are right for each other and that we should be together, and it can't be reasoned with. It will not accept being apart from her. Every conversation with her only reinforces this belief. It nearly makes me sick.

I've long held the belief that we happen in cycles. We are apart and don't talk often for some time, then we start talking again, and we grow closer to each other. At some point, one of us bails, and the cycle begins anew. I've even told her my theory, and she didn't disagree. But with her and me living in the same city for the first time, that cycle is going to end. I just don't know what the result will be. I can't trust myself to be lucid enough to assess the situation accurately, so I don't know what's going on in her head or in her heart.

But I know what's in mine, and it aches for her. I know no other woman like her. I never felt another person was the matching piece of a jigsaw until I met her. I could never completely be myself, flawed as I am, with a woman like I can with her. We can talk for hours, all night, and I still don't want the conversation to end. She knows all my secrets, the ones I don't want to tell myself. I am convinced God wants for us to be together. And I know there's a decent chance she'll read this and know that this is about her. I just don't know what's to come.

I hope she knows that I would move mountains for her, that I am willing to do whatever it takes. I know the price and I want to pay it. And I hope this doesn't completely drive her away. But she knows me as well as I know her, so she knows I couldn't not write this.

Things I Learned Today

Even after pushing me away once again, even though we haven't spoken in more than a month, when I see you... I still smile.

But I realized something. I'm completely disenfranchised in this saga; it's as though I'm watching someone put together a jigsaw puzzle but can't participate. It's not completely your fault. I let you do this. There's a way to change that, but it's not a price I'm willing to pay.

I'll stay the course. From this vantage point, it's still the best strategy. But I don't have to like it.

The Best Sort of Distraction

It takes a lot to distract me from “The Princess Bride,” but there's at least one thing that can do it. While Wesley and Buttercup were negotiating the Fire Swamp, all I could look at was our hands, together, fingers intertwined. This is not new. Often I would stare at our hands, trying to comprehend how it is they can fit together so perfectly, how something so simple can be so meaningful. I don't know if I'll ever be able to completely wrap my head around it. What I do get is why I'm amazed by it. That I understand completely.

Round and Round We Go

I'm doing it again: I'm thinking of you. Now, I'm probably the sucker because I didn't see this coming. I likely should have as soon as you told me the news you had. But here we are again. This isn't entirely unexpected; I predicted as much a couple months ago, didn't I? I told you we weren't done, that we were going to come around to each other again¹. You didn't disagree then.

I'm not saying we're doing that now, but... we will, won't we? Any time we are in close proximity to one another, it happens. I expect the same to happen when we're near each other again.

Part of me sighs. Part of me is worried. Part of me is excited and can't wait.

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1 Just like the last couple times.

Staring Into the Eyes of Evil

I was talking to class a couple weeks ago¹ with my usual strategy of looking at the ground. I noticed someone in my peripheral vision about to run into me. Reflexively, I look to see who is about to crash into me and judge whatever defensive maneuvers I need to make. I find myself staring into the eyes of her², six inches away.

Time freezes for a moment. The last person I want to see and at a distance I never wanted to be within. My eyes narrow slightly. Hers widen. I am deathly afraid she is going to say something, and I think she is afraid I might say something.

Then, my brain shouts, “MOVE!” My feet begin moving. I don't look back. No words are exchanged. No real acknowledgment shared. As it must be.
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1 As per Al Gore's demands to fight global warming.

2 If you're unclear who this is, backtrack in the blog or follow the “Misadventures in Romance” label.

Word to the Wise

There is a person that I know who seems to be the living incarnation of a black hole. This person pops up every so often, pulls me in, and rips me apart. I don't know how to keep it from happening. I'm fairly certain I'm in the early stages of it happening again.

So if anyone has any advice on how to avoid black holes, it'd be appreciated.

Candy Sweet

I realize my window of opportunity for dating a girl with pink hair is quickly closing. I find this depressing. I feel like this is something I should get to do.

It's Like, You Know...

So, I miss you a little bit. I'm not saying I want to be with you- we're apart for a reason- but I haven't completely divested myself of feelings for you. I do enjoy talking to you, even though I find myself saying stupid things for reasons I can't explain. I've never fully been able to get a grip on myself, you know.

I wasn't sure for a while if we were going to continue to be a part of each other's lives, but we still are, and I'm glad for that. So, yeah. That's all. Just needed to say it.

Have Cake, Will Eat

Anyone who knows me at least a little knows I spend the vast majority of my time single. And, once upon a time¹, it's something I whined a lot about. I sort of got suckered in by seeing romance on TV and movies, sadly. I felt like I was missing out on the human experience by not having a girl to do things hand-in-hand with.

Oh, but I had a plan. I was going to go to college, meet my wife, get married, and start life from there. It was beautiful, simple, and guaranteed to work. As you can likely ascertain, that did not happen. I'm sure the 18-year-old version of myself would have considered this a failure at life. The current version does not share that opinion.

If anything, I've grown accustomed to, and perhaps even come to expect, the single life. At heart, I'm an independent person. I want to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I don't want to have to account for my whereabouts with someone else or have to worry about another person's schedule or opinion when figuring out what I want to do².

When you're in a relationship, the primary price you pay is your freedom³. I've had it for so long, I don't know what I would do without it. That would be a huge adjustment for me. I'm an American, right? Am I not supposed to cherish freedom? Freedom and guns? A subset of that is the expectations. You're expected to "check in" every so often, whether you want to or not. I bristle at that.

I've always wondered why so many people end up pairing off. I find it hard (if not impossible) to believe everyone is happy in a marriage/lifetime relationship. Why do it? Tax benefit? Societal pressure? Fear of living alone? Child rearing? I don't know. Maybe I'll ask the next miserable-looking couple I see⁴.

I'm at that age where more and more friends are getting married. This scares the crap out of me. Are you people all insane? What is wrong with you? My best friend has been married for more than a year and a half now. I don't know how his head has stayed attached to his neck. Someone very prominent in my life recently intimated to me his/her future husband/wife is his/her current boy/girlfriend. My first thought? "No! This can't be! I'm not ready for this!" How do you people do it?

I've yet to have an actual adult relationship, so maybe I have it all wrong. I've had flings- more than I thought I would- and I won't deny they were fun. Perhaps I enjoy the thrill of something new. Maybe when it comes down to it, I'm terrified of a committed relationship and I subconsciously pick girls I know it can't work with or I sabotage it. I don't know, but it's an interesting theory.

I've gotten used to my life as it is. If anything, a girl coming along for the first time annoys me more than anything else. This is for a couple reasons: 1. I expect things to fail. 2. It messes up my routine, such as it is. Suddenly, I have to start thinking about that other person. I have to try talking to them⁵, which means I have to start putting other things around it. It's annoying, but I feel like I have to at least try⁶. I mean, hey, there's a girl, and I'm interested... something good might happen, right? Right? So then I find annoyed at the girl for being the reason I'm changing things up. Of course, she's completely innocent in the matter and never did anything wrong to deserve such feelings. As a result, I get even more annoyed at myself for being annoyed. It's a nice little circle.

In other words, I don't want to try, except I do. And I want things to change, but stay exactly to same. That's not asking too much.

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1 High school. I have no idea why anyone put up with me back then; I was insufferable.

2 Like last summer when I went to Cincy for three days to see the tennis tournament. I didn't tell anyone. I just went. That's freedom you can't buy.

3 But considering how few people choose to be single for life, it must be worth it. Still, I find that a bit crazy.

4 I could launch a full sociological study at the Athens County Fair alone.

5 But not too much! And not too enthusiastically! It's beyond stupid.

6 Otherwise, I have cousins thinking I'm gay.

Resume Management

There comes a point in one's career in which prospective employers no longer care about part of your history. When I'm trying to get a job when I'm 30, nobody really needs to know that I worked at Sea World when I was 16. It's relevant, but only in a very limited sense and has little direct bearing on what is happening now.

I wonder now if I have reached the point in which high school relationships don't count. Yes, I officially dated two girls in high school, but that was a long time ago and under very different circumstances than I would date a girl now. Does it count? Should it be removed from the "resume"?

What of relationships that were such in name only? Does it count that I dated Kat for two weeks? How can that be part of the tally? Probably not. I say now I have never been in a "true" relationship¹- one in which genuine exchanges of emotion and spirit took place. I never have been in the position to need to truly take another into account when making an important decision. I have not had to think of another person when envisioning the future, long term or short.

Perhaps I should just note my "girlfriend number" has an asterisk. Makes sense to me.

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1 I note with some ruefulness I'm getting to the age in which this would freak women out. Sounds like a catch-22.

Finding Truth Through Uncertainty

Ever get the feeling that the universe was goading you with a stick and a carrot? I have certainly had that experience. I was taught to believe in something. No, not taught... programmed to believe in it. It was never presented as a maybe or as a variable. It was an undeniable truth, something that inevitably I would experience. In the meantime, I would just have to sort of wait for it.

There are rules for this, of course, but nobody ever tells you the rules, and nobody certainly tells you they are different for each person. So you have to observe others, observe how it's done in art and try to apply it to your own situation. You also have to figure out it will differ each time you try it with another person. So these truths exist, except when they don't, or when they change. And they're not even permanent. They can morph with the same person that you are trying to find this or do have it with.

One truth that does seem to be universal is that you can't force it. Of course, nobody listens to this piece of advice. How can it happen without forcing it? Nothing in life just happens; you have to make it happen. So you think you see the light, and you reach out and try to grab it instead of letting it come to you. When this happens, it merely goes right between your fingers, and it hurts. You're left wondering what you did wrong, where your technique faltered and how to keep the light in your hands the next time. You try and take notes, learn what you did wrong and adjust accordingly. Of course, these adjustments may or may not be meaningful in any way the next time you see the light. That is, if you even see the light, because you may only be imagining you see the light.

Then there are the times you know the light isn't really there, that you're just grabbing for something that may provide momentary delight at a steep price. But you ignore that, deciding that short-term benefit is worth the long-term cost. It isn't, but you delude yourself into thinking otherwise.

So you begin to wonder if maybe the universe has been lying to you this whole time, getting you to believe in something that doesn't really exist. Everyone assures you that it does, that you will join the club in time. But all you know is that these people are not telling you the truth. You even begin to suspect that everyone that claims to have found it are really just acting, putting you on.

Then one day, the light comes to you. And it doesn't just come to you, it strikes you directly in the chest and knocks you over before you even have the chance to think twice. And it's warmer than you ever anticipated. You can't believe how you were able to survive this long without the light. And you hear a song like "A Whole New World," and it just makes you want to cry and cry. You can't control it, and you don't care.

The Ninth Potion

I was on a date in August. We were having a good time and found ourselves sitting on my couch, talking. The two of us started asking each other more probing questions, the kind you ask when you're trying to get to know someone on a deeper level¹. She asked me if I had ever been in love. I told her, truthfully, that I had not been. She asked me why. Now, I could just as soon tell you why I'm right handed. Some things just are.

What struck me was the way she said it, as though she either was not sure if I was telling the truth or if she could not believe the truth. How could I not have been in love? It's easier to believe, I suppose, when you're better apprised of my, ahem, romantic history. I haven't been in love simply because I have yet to have a legitimate chance to do so.

The story is well-worn by now: Bad decisions, bad breaks, a little heartbreak. I won't bore you with the retelling. However, it does seem a little unusual: How many Americans around my age haven't had the experience in any capacity, not even as a high schooler. I do not consider this a bad thing².

To say I've been in love before means, essentially, that I have failed in love. What could be worse than being in love and having that not succeed?³ I don't want “prior experience” in love. I want to say “I love you” to one single person. I want to experience and learn love for the first time, the only time, with the person that experiences it with me only. It sounds crazy and perhaps a little too idealistic, but you can't get to the moon⁴ unless you try.

I haven't been in love. I will be, though, and that's not something I'm going to need to explain to anyone⁵.

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1 A personal favorite: Arwen or Eowyn?

2 Even if it does make me look inexperienced in some weird way.

3 With the possible exception of sucking out on a one-outer on the river.

4 And I want to set up camp in the Sea of Tranquility, to be as cheesy as possible.

5 Unless they want to know how storybook it is. In that case, I'll be happy to tell them.

If the Glove Fits

Whenever I had done something for the first time with a girl- put my arm around her, hug her, etc.- I got an immediate spike in excitement, like I had accomplished a mission or something. "Yes! Success!"

I expected the same with you. Suffice to say, I was surprised. I'm not saying I did not get a thrill out of it. I always do. But when our hands met the first time, it came with a feeling of serenity. I felt like this was the way it always should be and just had not known it, as thought it were some cosmic truth that did not reveal itself to me until that moment. I had to keep looking down at our intertwined fingers to make sure it was real. To think I was amused by your nervous fidgeting beforehand! When your hand left mine, even for a few moments, it was though a part of me had become lost. I marveled at the perfect way our hands fit each other.

And when we kissed during the sunrise, a total movie moment, the rest of the world dissolved away. All that existed was us. I can remember your every movement. It was though I had found something I didn't know I was looking for, but now that I've found it, I can't go without.

Also, what you wrote to me the next day was the sexiest thing anyone has ever said to me. Just the very thought of it- or of you!- is intoxicating.

Even When Fixed

It's slightly ridiculous and more than a little sad to think that after all this time, just the momentary sight of her is enough to make me dive into the nearest hole. You know how when you have a heart attack, there's a little piece of the heart that dies and never works again? I'm beginning to think there's an emotional equivalent to that. Yes, wounds heal, but sometimes it doesn't completely scar over. If you pick at it, it will bleed again. It's not something you think about, it's not something you have to deal with on a regular basis, but if you happen to touch it, it still hurts.

It strikes me with a profound sadness that doubles as anger at myself for allowing myself to be sad. It's irrational and needless, and I can't help it for a moment. I hate that helplessness. It should never have gotten that far, good or bad. I can't explain it, which frustrates me further.

What I do know is that really don't ever want to see her again. I don't like that any better than anything else.

Don't Shoot the Soldiers

Much to my surprise, I got a text from my ex. I didn't get around to actually reading it for a day or so; this is not uncommon practice for me. When I read it, I saw it was a request for my address. Apparently one going into Basic Training can't have their phone and can only communicate with ye olde paper.

So I gave her my address. I don't particularly desire for her to write me or not write me, but if she does write, I'll return the favor. After all, she's going into the military, and she deserves at least that much respect, right? Even if every time I have contact with her it's almost unbearably weird, I'll suck it up.

Locking the Closed Door

It is interesting how your friends will hold people who have hurt you in the past in greater contempt than you do. Take Tim, for example. When I told him I was going to have lunch with an ex-girlfriend, his response was, "What is wrong with you? Do you just sit around thinking, 'What is the worst thing I can do today?'" While funny, it is also pretty harsh. Yeah, when that ex dumped me, it sucked. But I've gotten over it. We've talked many times since, even sat next to each other in a class we were both taking. I have no ill will toward her. Tim's not alone in his vitriol. Opp told me that he "hates" the girl, which seems to be a pretty extreme reaction. Considering what other girls have done to me, aborting a relationship early seems downright benign in comparison.

Anyway, she hadn't been to Rio Grande before. It being my favorite restaurant in Athens (free chips and salsa!), I suggested that be the place we go to. She got there at 1:15, and we left at about 4:30 (giving me precious little time to prepare for the beating of Kent State that was to start at 6). I was actually nervous about it beforehand; this was the first time we had specifically set aside time to hangout since we broke up almost two years ago. Would it be awkward? What were we going to talk about?

As it turned out, my fears were unfounded. Our conversation spanned a wide array of topics and at no point was there an awkward pause. I had forgotten how easy it was to talk with her. Excepting Tim and possibly Melissa, I don't know of anyone else I have an easier time talking to. Furthermore, I've yet to meet another girl with whom I relate to on as many levels and issues. That makes for pretty easy talking. We did touch the topic of our relationship. I had no intentions on bringing it up, but she alluded to it and my curiosity moved it. She said she didn't feel that we were clicking. And you know what? I can respect that. No problem. Yeah, I felt blindsided by it (she said that was really painful for her), but if that's how it has to be, I can deal. Besides, it's been a while since that happened. I didn't think about it, but it was nice to have that final closure on things.

I'm still not quite sure what to make of this, but she told me I'm the most interesting, fascinating person she's ever met, and I would be very difficult to top. Yet she has no feelings for me beyond that of a friend. So it goes for me, I guess, always missing the pitch just enough to foul it off instead of hitting it into the stands. She said she wanted someone more extroverted and someone she could dance with. Little did I know that the joke I've cracked about that was true! I'm weirdly insightful on accident sometimes. Thinking about it, I could very easily marry someone like her and be very happy. But not her.

I can't say I'm out looking for someone like her. Even on its face, that would be foolish; I haven't met anyone else quite like her. More than anything else, it's nice to know it is possible to transition back to being friends, that the ground doesn't have to be burned behind you. We'll do a lunch again, I'm sure, and have a great time. That's what friends do.

My Yearly Reminder That I Want to Marry an Australian

Second week in January. You know what that means! You don't? Oh, well, I'll tell you: The Australian Open! Rah! Yay! Woo! OK, I know I'm the only one that's excited. Work with me here. I have two weeks of compelling tennis and crazy Aussie fans to look forward to, and I'm gonna enjoy it, dag nab it!

Sort of enjoy it, at least, because I don't have cable. But I can follow the scores online! Oh yeah!

Went to BG last weekend for the first OU basketball game of the conference season. Not only did the game suck (I haven't gotten around to uploading the pictures), but I accidentally passed Cedar Point on the way, which only served to remind me about the great day I had there with the ex-girlfriend... totally and completely destroyed my mood. And that made me think about more things she said that now suck to think about, but I'll spare you. You get the idea.

I have to pass along this anecdote, though. On Sunday, I stopped at Steak 'n' Shake because I had a thing for a free shake. Seeing as I wasn't going to be in the area for a couple months, I decided to use it right then. Also, I wanted to stop by and see if Angela was working to bother her. Well, guess who was working? Yeah. I just sat down and looked straight forward, avoiding seeing her at all costs. Of course, she comes right up to me and says hi... and rubs my back. Why? Why would you do that? She sits down (ugh) and begins to make small talk (give me a freaking break). That led to this gem:
Her: How are you?
Me: Can't wait for this week to be over.
Her: Why?
Me: It's been a crappy week.
Her: Really?

No, not really. In fact, I did a cartwheel when you dumped me because I was so happy. Yes, it was a sucky week. Not only did you inform me our relationship was a sham, I drove across the state to watch my basketball team lose to a terrible Bowling Green squad. After that, she stroked my arm momentarily. Again, why? Don't touch me. You gave up that right. I spotted Angela after a couple minutes and beckoned over. "Oh, but you're talking."
"I know. Get over here."
The ex, thankfully, felt awkward enough to get up and leave. Then after I left, she sends me a text message! Unbelievable. I can't get the girl to get in touch me while we're dating, now she won't leave me be when I didn't want to see her. I called Angela later to give her a hard time, and she said the ex was acting weird around her after I left, almost like she was guilty. She apparently said to Angela, "I broke Jeffrey's heart, didn't I?" No, you didn't. Can't break what you don't have. Bruised, yes. Broken, no. Angela said she didn't really sound remorseful about it, which is just kind of... weird. How can you be so unaware of your actions and how they affect others? Whatever.

I was able to go to a movie viewing ("The Big Kahuna") and a discussion afterwards from a spiritual standpoint. That was really good, as I'd been feeling really disconnected from the faith in recent months. I need to get re-centered and back to the important things. I did a great job of that today by sleeping through church.

Thankfully, the week ended well with a beating of Miami on the hardwood. I always feel good after that! We tried to storm the court but failed miserably, which was one of the most horrifying events of my life. Seriously, that was a nightmare come to life. The players, thankfully, sort of bailed us out by coming to us in the stands. That was a great moment.

Now, if you're an Aussie and single...

On One Hand...

Two more things I thought of. One time we were talking on the phone and she said, pretty much out of nowhere, that things would really open up in the summer when we wouldn't be tied to our respective towns. Another was she talked about on multiple occasions how she really wanted my parents to like her, how that was important to her.

That was all her. Meeting parents, having dinner with her family, all her. Yet she never wanted a relationship? It makes my head spin.

On the plus side, Kohl's is selling socks at buy two, get one. I needed new socks, so score. I'm excited. Tomorrow I'm heading to BG for the MAC opener against the Falcons, then back to Athens on Sunday. Good times are ahead. Can't wait to have some Sonic.

Picking Up the Pieces, One More Time

It's hard not to think about the latest girl experience that went sour, especially when it just ended so recently. You want to tuck the pain away, want to find something else. You want to find a way to bury yourself in whatever can make you forget for a while. Problem is, when you don't have anything else to do, your thoughts tend to keep coming back to the place you're trying to get away from.

Instead, I'll try and embrace it, to piece it together. I'm not surprised that the relationship is over; if anything, a lot of people would have bailed on it before it got to this point. But if nothing else, I am a person who will carry a lot of weight before casting it aside. Oddly enough, I recently had two dreams that involved her dumping me. Odd because they turned out to be prophetic, and odd because I don't really dream much. It's kind of freaky to think about. What did surprise me is that she said she never wanted a relationship in the first place. That, friends, was the stomach punch. That is what I did not see coming. She said she felt tricked into it (nonsense), but she did like me and she wanted to "give it a try." Also, she said she didn't want to hurt me. Apparently, the better solution is to pretend to be my girlfriend for three and a half months.

Eventually, she got bored (my analysis, not hers). Perhaps she found someone else to hold her interest. But long after she stopped being interested in me, she kept this up. Needlessly, she dragged this out. For no reason, she allowed me to think things were OK, for me to try and see her and do things with her.

She pretended to be my girlfriend, to like me. She just... acted like she wanted to kiss me, like she wanted me to touch her. I don't think she realizes how terrible of a thing that is. I have yet another trust issue.

Where did truth end and the lies begin? Was it when she said she'd miss me when I left after visits? Was it when one night she had her head on my chest and said, "I like you a lot" without provocation? Was it when she said how happy she was I was in town for the winter?

I should have seen the signs. They were there. Well, I saw them, but I didn't take them seriously. Her enthusiasm wasn't there. Conversations were always cut off after a while. Once again, I blind myself. I refuse to acknowledge the bad. I want to believe too much.

I've made statements before along the lines of "I'm done," that I'm shutting my heart off. I'm not saying that this time; that gets me nowhere. All I'm saying is I am lost and confused. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to stop this from happening. I just want the pain to go away. It's all I want. I don't know what I've done to deserve this, but I want to know how to fix it so it'll stop. I'm not even saying I want to be happy. I just want this to end.

Sometimes I feel like everyone is in on the joke except me. If everyone is having a good time, well, at least I'm doing something for the world.

And a Happy New Year to Me

Nothing like ringing in 2008 by being dumped. So change the "semi-girlfriend" to "ex-girlfriend." All along, she never really wanted a relationship. She was just giving it a trial, pretending.

Once again, I've been played for the fool. I'm never going to learn.

I want those three and a half months back. I want the money I spent back. I never really said this before, but I want it all back. I want to do it over again... then not do it. Really, I don't know what I got out of this but grief and a couple things I'm already started to regret.

At least this time, I've managed to do it in a different way. Maybe that's growth.