Even When Fixed

It's slightly ridiculous and more than a little sad to think that after all this time, just the momentary sight of her is enough to make me dive into the nearest hole. You know how when you have a heart attack, there's a little piece of the heart that dies and never works again? I'm beginning to think there's an emotional equivalent to that. Yes, wounds heal, but sometimes it doesn't completely scar over. If you pick at it, it will bleed again. It's not something you think about, it's not something you have to deal with on a regular basis, but if you happen to touch it, it still hurts.

It strikes me with a profound sadness that doubles as anger at myself for allowing myself to be sad. It's irrational and needless, and I can't help it for a moment. I hate that helplessness. It should never have gotten that far, good or bad. I can't explain it, which frustrates me further.

What I do know is that really don't ever want to see her again. I don't like that any better than anything else.

Fond Remembrance

I know you can't read this, because you're dead. I'm going to type it anyway.

I still miss you. Terribly. I think of you all the time, and I don't believe that will ever change. When you left, that changed my life forever, and it's a hole I'm never going to be able to fill. I loved you more than I've ever loved anyone else, including myself. Indeed, I loved you more than I thought I ever could. I hope you think I didn't take you for granted. I hope I knew how good things were when you were around.

When I visit the place you used to live, I still expect you to be there. That will probably happen until I stop visiting that place. It's not the same without you. It seems... cold there. Almost lifeless.

You saved my life. I hope you know that. When I was in my darkest place, where I couldn't even imagine the sun or the light, or even the divine, you were there. If you weren't, I probably would be dead now. And whenever I needed you, you just knew. You were there. I didn't even have to ask.

I will, one day, try to fill this void in my heart. I have to. But it won't be the same, and it won't be you. So whoever tries will ultimately fail.

I miss you. I love you. Forever.

Don't Shoot the Soldiers

Much to my surprise, I got a text from my ex. I didn't get around to actually reading it for a day or so; this is not uncommon practice for me. When I read it, I saw it was a request for my address. Apparently one going into Basic Training can't have their phone and can only communicate with ye olde paper.

So I gave her my address. I don't particularly desire for her to write me or not write me, but if she does write, I'll return the favor. After all, she's going into the military, and she deserves at least that much respect, right? Even if every time I have contact with her it's almost unbearably weird, I'll suck it up.

Someone Needs to Stop Me

A girl was buying a pregnancy test at my register. As I have to do this month, I asked her if she wanted to buy a pocket pack of tissues. She declined.

And I thought, "You'll need them if that comes back positive."