I think it's safe to say I am not a person on an even keel. When I'm up, I'm up. And when I'm down, I'm down. Especially when I'm left alone when I'm done, I can fold in on myself and make things much worse than they need to be. This is what I did this weekend.
I did a lot of writing on Friday; I wrote here, I wrote on Newsvine (go look if you haven't already, thewhirlingdervish.newsvine.com), and I wrote a few poems. The guy who messed with Carolyn got kicked out of the building, which made me happy. She and I were talking late Friday night and she asked me what I had done with the evening. I told her about the writing. She asked to see the poems I wrote, and I gave them to her. Now, this is where I made the tactical error. I write my poems about a variety of things, but she doesn't like to read the ones about her because of our situation. It's a long story. But because my brain completely left me for a moment, I didn't tell her which ones she should and should not read, so she read them all. Whoops.
Upon realizing this, I go into mini-panic mode. I had told myself that because of what she was going through, I wasn't going to complicate things. I wasn't going to be in the way. The last thing she needed was me doing something, So then I go and do that... I wasn't happy with myself. I don't like when people I care about are mad at me. I don't deal with it well.
So Saturday, I was watching the OU-Kent football game. The Bobs won and took control of the MAC East with the victory. I should've been thrilled, I should've been celebrating it, but I couldn't. I saw Carolyn walk by my door a few times without saying a word to me or even acknowledging me. Each time, my mood worsened. As the day went on, people went out and had fun. I stayed in my room and stewed at myself. Nobody dropped by the room or talked to me, which didn't help matters. Everyone had a great time but me, he who allows himself to spin out of control too easily.
Sunday was easier, as I left Athens for Oxford and the OU-Miami volleyball match. We swept them; I nearly got kicked out. One of the Miami coaches really doesn't like me.
But today didn't go well at all. My roommate turned my alarm off, so I slept through my classes. The great part of bipolar is that it can overtake you without any warning or control, which is pretty much what happened today. I ceased to function. I couldn't do anything. I spent the whole day sitting around, my chest feeling like someone was trying to squeeze it to dust. Finally, I was able to speak to Carolyn. I laid it all out, my mistake, my guilt, the depression part of it... I told her how I feel like sometimes I'm unwanted, like I'm a poison to those around me (I even told her about the worst thing I ever did, the thing that nearly blew up my friendship with Tim), the depression, all that. It turns out she wasn't as mad as I thought she was, and she said nobody wanted to talk to me because I looked angry the entire weekend. Go figure.
She told me I needed to engage myself. She told me nobody feels the way I do when I said I feel like the guy that always hangs around but nobody wants. But it's hard to do that when all of myself wants to just sit and stare at the walls, when I feel like I'm nothing more than a burden to others. It's things like this that cause me to say I hate myself, cause me to not eat for a week, cause me to withdraw from the world completely. I don't like it. But I exist on a permanent slippery slope.
And I know it's completely silly, but I feel like I'm losing Carolyn, that she's going to decide that in the end, she doesn't want to be with me. I just don't have any confidence right now. And frankly, I don't think I'm equipped to deal with it if it happens. The thing about it all is, what I've had with her is completely unlike anything else. I write the stupid, sappy poems about love and I talk about relationships, but I never had a real one before. Kat wasn't real. Before Kat was just high school. But with Carolyn... I saw it for the first time. I felt it for the first time. I understood the limitless potential for what could be, for what it already was. Everything with us just fit together. We instinctively acted together, made each other laugh, leaned on each other for support.
One time before we went somewhere (I don't remember where), Tim and I were getting ready. Girls were going to be involved, so we were talking about it. I asked him for advice. He said, "Don't think. You get into trouble when you think." I laughed at the time, but I realize now he knew me better than I knew myself. Before with Carolyn, I never had to think. I just acted, and it all worked. Now, I'm thinking all the time and tripping over myself and freaking out about it all. I need to learn not to think again. More than anything else, I need her. And now, I'm terrified she's going to look at me and the mistakes I've made recently and determine I'm not good for her.
Right now, I just feel like I have a reverse Midas touch, that everything I lay a finger on turns to dust. So, really, I'm most likely exaggerating these things like I always do. But it's impossible for me not to. I feel like I'm buried 20 feet underground. I need someone to tell me this has just been a weird, rough stretch of time. I need someone to tell me things are OK. Most importantly, I need to believe it myself.
31.10.06
27.10.06
The Week I Wish Wasn't
As I write this, I'm trying to push out of my head the annoyance that is Ohio University Halloween and all the hassles it brings into my life. However, I suppose that after this week, whatever inconveniences it causes me should be considered minor.
The best place to start, I am told, is the beginning. On Monday, I had an exam in my Rome class. I felt reasonably prepared walking into it. After walking out, however, I severely wanted to hurt the professor. Severely. Allow me to illustrate. The test was one hour long and featured 75 fill in the blanks (yes, 75), six short answers, and 42 map questions. Please explain to me how I am supposed to get all of that done in an hour. The short answers alone would've taken me at least a half hour to complete. I left a healthy portion of that test complete. I was seething. What's the point of creating a test like that? I don't get it. I can't wait to get it back and find out there's no curve on it. Really, I'll be thrilled. I might high five someone. Seriously... why? Do you have a bonus for each student flunking?
Tuesday featured an exam in my globalization class, which I think went OK. The test largely had what I expected (imagine that!), so that was fine. But that night, a guy on the third floor exposed himself to Carolyn. And when I say exposed, I mean exposed. The whole farm.
That started off a whole ugly chain. Carolyn, you see, is a girl who has lived something of a sheltered life. She went to a Catholic all-girl school, has lived very clean, very pure. As she said, the last penis she saw belonged to her baby brother. So this didn't go over well at all. She told me the whole thing has made her feel dirty (even though she didn't do anything), like she can't trust going to that floor anymore or going outside alone now.
So now she's had to deal with it, and I think she's done a good job. She reported it, the police have gotten involved, and action will be taken. But on a personal note... I feel like she's keeping me at arm's length right now because of our situation. I understand it, I'm not upset at her for it, but it's very frustrating. All I want to do is hold her and tell her everything will be OK, yet she's skittish around me right now. Conversations have been... uneasy. She's keeping me updated on what's going on, but she's not really letting me in. For things she would normally come to me with, she's seeking out others right now. What this means for us, I'm not sure. Her roommate tells me I'm doing the right things by letting her come to me instead of my coming to her and that she's probably not even doing this consciously... but right now, I just feel powerless to do anything and a little left out in the cold. It's yet another thing we're going to have to work through on the way to things being as they should.
She also dyed her hair red. I don't like it. Thankfully, I haven't had to tell her what I think.
On Wednesday, Jeff Newbauer died. If you know him, I really don't have anything to add. If you didn't, well... google his name. Look at the CNN transcripts, the news stories, all the stuff he did in his abbreviated life.
Also, the guy who harassed Carolyn decided that he wanted to pull me into it. Knowing we kind of sort of have a thing, he told a bunch of guys he was going to try and provoke me. And he tried to accomplish that when we played basketball, slapping me, pushing me, bumping me, and throwing forearm shivers at me. I came close, but I didn't let him... mainly because he's a scholarship athlete and could probably kill me without much effort. And he was probably looking for an excuse; he shattered someone's jaw once. Naturally, I reported it.
I also got to schedule for next quarter. Amazingly, baseball history counts for my 20th century American history graduation requirement. Good times.
Nothing really bad happened Thursday... but it was pretty blah. I was tired from the week. I didn't really do anything.
I did learn today, though, that the guy is being removed from the building, so that's good. The Cardinals won the World Series a few minutes ago... and I don't even really care. I'm pretty sure baseball was entertaining once. And Carolyn is on her period and in a lot of pain... girl's had an awful week. I wish there was something I could do.
The best place to start, I am told, is the beginning. On Monday, I had an exam in my Rome class. I felt reasonably prepared walking into it. After walking out, however, I severely wanted to hurt the professor. Severely. Allow me to illustrate. The test was one hour long and featured 75 fill in the blanks (yes, 75), six short answers, and 42 map questions. Please explain to me how I am supposed to get all of that done in an hour. The short answers alone would've taken me at least a half hour to complete. I left a healthy portion of that test complete. I was seething. What's the point of creating a test like that? I don't get it. I can't wait to get it back and find out there's no curve on it. Really, I'll be thrilled. I might high five someone. Seriously... why? Do you have a bonus for each student flunking?
Tuesday featured an exam in my globalization class, which I think went OK. The test largely had what I expected (imagine that!), so that was fine. But that night, a guy on the third floor exposed himself to Carolyn. And when I say exposed, I mean exposed. The whole farm.
That started off a whole ugly chain. Carolyn, you see, is a girl who has lived something of a sheltered life. She went to a Catholic all-girl school, has lived very clean, very pure. As she said, the last penis she saw belonged to her baby brother. So this didn't go over well at all. She told me the whole thing has made her feel dirty (even though she didn't do anything), like she can't trust going to that floor anymore or going outside alone now.
So now she's had to deal with it, and I think she's done a good job. She reported it, the police have gotten involved, and action will be taken. But on a personal note... I feel like she's keeping me at arm's length right now because of our situation. I understand it, I'm not upset at her for it, but it's very frustrating. All I want to do is hold her and tell her everything will be OK, yet she's skittish around me right now. Conversations have been... uneasy. She's keeping me updated on what's going on, but she's not really letting me in. For things she would normally come to me with, she's seeking out others right now. What this means for us, I'm not sure. Her roommate tells me I'm doing the right things by letting her come to me instead of my coming to her and that she's probably not even doing this consciously... but right now, I just feel powerless to do anything and a little left out in the cold. It's yet another thing we're going to have to work through on the way to things being as they should.
She also dyed her hair red. I don't like it. Thankfully, I haven't had to tell her what I think.
On Wednesday, Jeff Newbauer died. If you know him, I really don't have anything to add. If you didn't, well... google his name. Look at the CNN transcripts, the news stories, all the stuff he did in his abbreviated life.
Also, the guy who harassed Carolyn decided that he wanted to pull me into it. Knowing we kind of sort of have a thing, he told a bunch of guys he was going to try and provoke me. And he tried to accomplish that when we played basketball, slapping me, pushing me, bumping me, and throwing forearm shivers at me. I came close, but I didn't let him... mainly because he's a scholarship athlete and could probably kill me without much effort. And he was probably looking for an excuse; he shattered someone's jaw once. Naturally, I reported it.
I also got to schedule for next quarter. Amazingly, baseball history counts for my 20th century American history graduation requirement. Good times.
Nothing really bad happened Thursday... but it was pretty blah. I was tired from the week. I didn't really do anything.
I did learn today, though, that the guy is being removed from the building, so that's good. The Cardinals won the World Series a few minutes ago... and I don't even really care. I'm pretty sure baseball was entertaining once. And Carolyn is on her period and in a lot of pain... girl's had an awful week. I wish there was something I could do.
Again? Really?
Well, yes. Enough of you have asked what happened to the last blog that I've gone and done this. Again.
To answer the common question, VITC is gone because I chose not to pay the renewal fee. It's not that I didn't want to, but I'm cheap. And cheap people make these kind of decisions. I'm also doing this because there's a lot going on right now, and I'm getting tired of telling eight billion people the same story. Inevitably, the story gets shorter and shorter as I retell it. So why not tell it once here?
Losing VITC to history is something I regret at this point. However, the dream I had for it, the vision that led me to make it is not gone. I will bring it back at some point, perhaps in a year or two. I believe in it. I want it to happen.
So what will this be? It's going to be very stream of consciousness. I may talk about my day, I may vent, I may express feelings, I may throw up a poem I wrote. I really don't know, and neither should you. In fact, I hope you come here wondering what to find, be it 2,000 words on a girl smiling at me or my latest lame poem.
I'm attacking this whole writing thing from three fronts at the moment. You should already know about my Speakeasy column (http://www.speakeasymag.com/index.php/blogs/article/category/The%20Whirling%20Dervish/), updated every Wednesday. I will probably link to each week's edition from here as well if you're too lazy/unable to remember to do so yourself. Obviously, I have this.
I'm also branching out with my political/news writing to try and reach a wider audience. I have another column at www.thewhirlingdervish.newsvine.com as well. That will be where I will levy my criticism of news and politics among other things. Out of the three projects, I am most excited about this. In addition to my columns (updated whenever I feel like), you'll find news articles I have flagged as interesting for one reason or another, as well as various Web recommendations. I hope you like it and will check it out. Please tell friends.
Oh, by the way, this is something of a private deal, this here blog. Only people I have given the URL to should be reading this. It means, in general, that I trust you and that nothing I write here is going to damage you or myself. This means my family shouldn't know about this, and the girl shouldn't know about this. I would appreciate if you respected the relative anonymity of this venture.
And always, leave comments. I love them. Even if you think I'm an idiot, and you all do at some point. And thanks for stopping by, San Diego.
To answer the common question, VITC is gone because I chose not to pay the renewal fee. It's not that I didn't want to, but I'm cheap. And cheap people make these kind of decisions. I'm also doing this because there's a lot going on right now, and I'm getting tired of telling eight billion people the same story. Inevitably, the story gets shorter and shorter as I retell it. So why not tell it once here?
Losing VITC to history is something I regret at this point. However, the dream I had for it, the vision that led me to make it is not gone. I will bring it back at some point, perhaps in a year or two. I believe in it. I want it to happen.
So what will this be? It's going to be very stream of consciousness. I may talk about my day, I may vent, I may express feelings, I may throw up a poem I wrote. I really don't know, and neither should you. In fact, I hope you come here wondering what to find, be it 2,000 words on a girl smiling at me or my latest lame poem.
I'm attacking this whole writing thing from three fronts at the moment. You should already know about my Speakeasy column (http://www.speakeasymag.com/index.php/blogs/article/category/The%20Whirling%20Dervish/), updated every Wednesday. I will probably link to each week's edition from here as well if you're too lazy/unable to remember to do so yourself. Obviously, I have this.
I'm also branching out with my political/news writing to try and reach a wider audience. I have another column at www.thewhirlingdervish.newsvine.com as well. That will be where I will levy my criticism of news and politics among other things. Out of the three projects, I am most excited about this. In addition to my columns (updated whenever I feel like), you'll find news articles I have flagged as interesting for one reason or another, as well as various Web recommendations. I hope you like it and will check it out. Please tell friends.
Oh, by the way, this is something of a private deal, this here blog. Only people I have given the URL to should be reading this. It means, in general, that I trust you and that nothing I write here is going to damage you or myself. This means my family shouldn't know about this, and the girl shouldn't know about this. I would appreciate if you respected the relative anonymity of this venture.
And always, leave comments. I love them. Even if you think I'm an idiot, and you all do at some point. And thanks for stopping by, San Diego.
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About Me
- Monty
- I am who I think I am, I am who you know I am, I am who I want to be, who I was, who I could be, who I can't be. I am.
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