Chest Crusher

I think it's safe to say I am not a person on an even keel. When I'm up, I'm up. And when I'm down, I'm down. Especially when I'm left alone when I'm done, I can fold in on myself and make things much worse than they need to be. This is what I did this weekend.

I did a lot of writing on Friday; I wrote here, I wrote on Newsvine (go look if you haven't already, thewhirlingdervish.newsvine.com), and I wrote a few poems. The guy who messed with Carolyn got kicked out of the building, which made me happy. She and I were talking late Friday night and she asked me what I had done with the evening. I told her about the writing. She asked to see the poems I wrote, and I gave them to her. Now, this is where I made the tactical error. I write my poems about a variety of things, but she doesn't like to read the ones about her because of our situation. It's a long story. But because my brain completely left me for a moment, I didn't tell her which ones she should and should not read, so she read them all. Whoops.

Upon realizing this, I go into mini-panic mode. I had told myself that because of what she was going through, I wasn't going to complicate things. I wasn't going to be in the way. The last thing she needed was me doing something, So then I go and do that... I wasn't happy with myself. I don't like when people I care about are mad at me. I don't deal with it well.

So Saturday, I was watching the OU-Kent football game. The Bobs won and took control of the MAC East with the victory. I should've been thrilled, I should've been celebrating it, but I couldn't. I saw Carolyn walk by my door a few times without saying a word to me or even acknowledging me. Each time, my mood worsened. As the day went on, people went out and had fun. I stayed in my room and stewed at myself. Nobody dropped by the room or talked to me, which didn't help matters. Everyone had a great time but me, he who allows himself to spin out of control too easily.

Sunday was easier, as I left Athens for Oxford and the OU-Miami volleyball match. We swept them; I nearly got kicked out. One of the Miami coaches really doesn't like me.

But today didn't go well at all. My roommate turned my alarm off, so I slept through my classes. The great part of bipolar is that it can overtake you without any warning or control, which is pretty much what happened today. I ceased to function. I couldn't do anything. I spent the whole day sitting around, my chest feeling like someone was trying to squeeze it to dust. Finally, I was able to speak to Carolyn. I laid it all out, my mistake, my guilt, the depression part of it... I told her how I feel like sometimes I'm unwanted, like I'm a poison to those around me (I even told her about the worst thing I ever did, the thing that nearly blew up my friendship with Tim), the depression, all that. It turns out she wasn't as mad as I thought she was, and she said nobody wanted to talk to me because I looked angry the entire weekend. Go figure.

She told me I needed to engage myself. She told me nobody feels the way I do when I said I feel like the guy that always hangs around but nobody wants. But it's hard to do that when all of myself wants to just sit and stare at the walls, when I feel like I'm nothing more than a burden to others. It's things like this that cause me to say I hate myself, cause me to not eat for a week, cause me to withdraw from the world completely. I don't like it. But I exist on a permanent slippery slope.

And I know it's completely silly, but I feel like I'm losing Carolyn, that she's going to decide that in the end, she doesn't want to be with me. I just don't have any confidence right now. And frankly, I don't think I'm equipped to deal with it if it happens. The thing about it all is, what I've had with her is completely unlike anything else. I write the stupid, sappy poems about love and I talk about relationships, but I never had a real one before. Kat wasn't real. Before Kat was just high school. But with Carolyn... I saw it for the first time. I felt it for the first time. I understood the limitless potential for what could be, for what it already was. Everything with us just fit together. We instinctively acted together, made each other laugh, leaned on each other for support.
One time before we went somewhere (I don't remember where), Tim and I were getting ready. Girls were going to be involved, so we were talking about it. I asked him for advice. He said, "Don't think. You get into trouble when you think." I laughed at the time, but I realize now he knew me better than I knew myself. Before with Carolyn, I never had to think. I just acted, and it all worked. Now, I'm thinking all the time and tripping over myself and freaking out about it all. I need to learn not to think again. More than anything else, I need her. And now, I'm terrified she's going to look at me and the mistakes I've made recently and determine I'm not good for her.

Right now, I just feel like I have a reverse Midas touch, that everything I lay a finger on turns to dust. So, really, I'm most likely exaggerating these things like I always do. But it's impossible for me not to. I feel like I'm buried 20 feet underground. I need someone to tell me this has just been a weird, rough stretch of time. I need someone to tell me things are OK. Most importantly, I need to believe it myself.