Really Trying Not to be Emo

I feel really emo sometimes. I can't help it. It's just like... everything goes out of its way just to kick me. I don't get it. I really don't.

OK, some happy stuff first: The basketball team smacked around Bowling Green tonight, 69-47. BG was never close, and the defense played quite well. The 'Cats are now 2-0 in the MAC and 11-4 overall with a date with Kent on Sunday. A win there and the sky is the limit. I said before this is the best team in my five years at OU, and I haven't seen anything to change that. Also, the first Dervish of the quarter is up.

Some introspective stuff: I still feel trepidation/am a little afraid around Carolyn. A little bit with Kat, too, but that's different. With Carolyn, it's like I fear that I'm going to start liking her again, or that I never really stopped liking her in the first place... and that's only going to cause the both of us pain. I'm so paranoid. I mean, I don't feel like I like her anymore. It's just... weird, seeing her, being around her, remembering how we were at each other's throats last quarter. And that's just supposed to be forgotten? Well, probably, but it's not how I'm used to going about things. I'm not sure where she fits in, or where she's supposed to fit in. And I guess with Kat, it's just like our relationship. I'm waiting for something bad to happen. It just doesn't feel right. The other shoe should be dropping (remember the paranoia?) for some reason, even though there's absolutely no reason to expect it to. And that's my problem, really. I'm always convinced I'm going to get hurt or I'm going to hurt someone else.

Bad stuff: Speaking of, I hadn't mentioned Jessica in... um... some time. I had sent her a little thing for Christmas with a card, a bookmark with her name and a Bible verse, and a poem I wrote her. I hadn't heard from her in a couple weeks, so I was getting afraid that either she didn't get it or that she did and did not like it. Well, I finally got a hold of her a couple days ago. She said that she did get it, and that it was totally sweet and that she loved it. Awesome. I message her tonight and she tells me she's having an "intense" conversation with her former boyfriend... the one that cheated on her. So, based on recent events and my own protective nature, I naturally jump into defense mode. And boy did that conversation not go well. She said it was weird because it had been so long but he's the only guy she's ever truly loved, and they've been hanging out now that she's in North Carolina, and he's planning on enrolling at BYU-Idaho in the future, and he might be angling for something... during the course of the conversation she said I was making her feel dumb and that I was jumping all over her (which really just made me feel terrible, let me tell you). Ugh. That could not have gone much worse.
I mean... if when everything is said and done she gets back with this guy, that's pretty much the worst case scenario. I would be completely devastated by that. A guy throws away the one thing I never and he gets it again? I couldn't take that. Am I getting ahead of myself, jumping to conclusions? Absolutely. Is this the sort of thing that happens to me? It totally is. (Remember the paranoia?)

In other words, I hate women. I think I should just move out to California with Mr. Chesnut and start over or something.

But I should think positively, right? I mean, after all, this whole thing just means that the door is open for someone else.

Three day weekend coming up. That'll be nice. Maybe we'll head up to Kent for the game Sunday. I don't know. I do know I have a lot of work to do. I want to work on my AmeriCorps apps too. It's only the second week of the quarter and Kat already looks quite tired. The girl does too much; she only gets three hours or so of sleep a night. Why work like that? I said she should drink a lot of Red Bull. She said she doesn't want the crash and will fuel herself with "personal motivation." Right. I think the body will just refuse at one point.