To Memphis or to Hell

As some of you may know, I used to write a column for Speakeasy Magazine entitled "The Whirling Dervish."  This came after my messy divorce with The Post.  Because Speakeasy is terribly managed, all my pieces are no longer on the site.  But a trip to the Internet Wayback Machine was fruitful, so I'll repost some of my better pieces.  I think my writing has improved since then.  Of course, I'm my own harshest critic.  Maybe I still suck.  I got the idea after reading Joe Posnanski's account of his Pittsburgh-to-New York odyssey.  This was the introductory "Dervish," published April 19, 2005.

Few things top going on a road trip with friends. Whether planned or spontaneous, throwing some clothes in the car and hitting the asphalt can turn into a weekend that will be remembered forever.

And boy, last Friday is not going to fade from my mind anytime soon.

I went with fellow Sigma Theta Epsilon brothers Andrew and Isaac to the annual business meeting in Memphis. The three of us spent Friday in Isaac’s car driving from Athens to Memphis. The following is an approximate timeline (in Eastern daylight time) of events that unfolded as we made our way to Elvis’ hometown.

12:30 p.m.- Scheduled time to leave Athens.

1:30 p.m.- Actual time we left Athens. Mapquest claims it’s a 10 and a half hour drive, so we’ll see. On another note, has anyone left for a trip on time? Ever? I don’t think it’s possible. It’s almost a requirement for any trip in which state lines are crossed.  Maybe we should just schedule earlier so that we’re actually on time when we leave late.

4:15 p.m.- What the? Why?  Kentucky has a new sign, claiming the state has “Unbridled Spirit.” That’s all fine and good, but when crossing the Ohio, I fully expected to see the declaration that Kentucky is the “state where education pays.” That’s probably the unintentionally funniest sign ever. Why make that change? Perhaps it was taken down the same time the decision was made to put a smiling sun on the license plates.

4:30 p.m. - Now that the education sign is gone, the sign for Big Bone Lick State Park takes the top spot for laughs. Yes, I’m older than 12, I promise.

8:00 p.m. - Now that we’re in Tennessee and within striking distance of Nashville, a full 75 percent of the radio stations are country music. Blunt head trauma seems like a good idea at this time.

9:00 p.m. - Aside from the city of Jackson, I-40 between Nashville and Memphis is completely separated from civilization. Sometimes, it’s 10 miles between exits and it’s just trees on both sides of you. And of course, we blow a tire.

9:35 p.m. - The bolts on the offending wheel don’t want to loosen. In fact, while trying to loosen one, Andrew instead succeeds in snapping it clean off instead. Uh oh.  We’re not going to be able to do this. Should we call AAA? Andrew is a member, but he doesn’t have his card…

10:20 p.m. - Yeah, we’re going to call them. ETA for a mechanic: one hour. I’m glad I brought my Game Boy Advance with backlit screen.

11:30 p.m. - That mechanic just changed the tire in about three minutes. I’d like to turn in my Man Membership card, please.

11:45 p.m. - I think Loretta Lynn could run for governor of Tennessee and win. We keep passing Loretta Lynn this and Loretta Lynn that.  In fact, there goes Loretta Lynn’s Kitchen. It looks huge.

1:45 a.m.- We’re now about 50 miles from Memphis. Boy, that sounds familiar…

1:46 a.m. - … yep, blew another tire. We’re screwed now. AAA advises us to call a tire store, but the 24-hour tire outlet hasn’t been invented yet.

2:00 a.m. - After a rodeo of several calls to AAA and several other places, here’s the problem we’re presented with: blown tire with no tire to replace it with.  No tire place around to buy a tire around.  Must call a tow truck.  The tow truck, however, has only room for two people in the cab, and staying inside the car being towed is not allowed. The only option is to call for a taxi.

2:05 a.m. - Said taxi just quoted us a price of $135. You know, if we walk, we might make it there by Monday. Having no real choice, we hire the taxi. And being 50 miles from Memphis, it’ll take an hour for the tow truck and taxi to get to us. Time to break out the playing cards!

2:10 a.m. - In rummy, you have to have the cards in a straight be the same suit, right?

3:10 a.m. - That tow truck should’ve been here by now. Meanwhile, I’ve won three consecutive hands of blackjack. Things are looking up.

3:30 a.m. - OK, the taxi is here. Still no sight of the tow truck. The cab driver is nice enough to say he’ll wait for a while.

3:35 a.m. - Should I be concerned the driver just fell asleep?

4:00 a.m. - We talk to the taxi driver a bit. We find out that he’s been living in Memphis for several years after moving there from Senegal. Yeah, I know I’d want to move to Memphis of all places if I was coming from Africa.

4:30 a.m. - Oh look, it’s the tow truck. What happened? He was sent to get us on I-54.  The only flaw in that plan was that we’re on I-40 at mile 54.

4:35 a.m. - The truck driver and the cab driver get chummy. No hurry, guys. Isaac gives us the uplifting news that contrary to what AAA told us, the truck has four seats for passengers. At this point I remember I haven’t eaten in 12 hours.

4:45 a.m. - We’re finally off to…somewhere. After the bit about being told about the truck having four seats, I curled into a ball and shut the rest of the world off.

5:45 a.m. - Hey, where’s the tow truck? Let’s wait for it.

6:20 a.m. - There it is. How something could fall that far behind, I have no idea.

6:40 a.m. - The truck has dropped Isaac’s car off at Wal-Mart, where the tire center will be opening soon. Isaac told the taxi driver to let him off at the main entrance, but apparently didn’t say it loud enough because the driver nearly got on the highway before we got his attention to let Isaac off.

7:15 a.m. - We finally make it to the luxurious Clarion Hotel, a sister chain of Comfort Inn. On the plus side, the continental breakfast is being served. On the negative side, they don’t have any record of Andrew in the computer, which means he doesn’t have a room. And why would they, after a night like this?

7:30 a.m. - The only reasonable thing I can think to do is to eat a lot of breakfast. Did I mention the meeting starts in two hours?

After eating, showering (after a night like that, you really need a nice, hot shower) and trying to figure out how to get a room for Andrew - we find out later Isaac has the same problem - I get about 10 minutes of sleep before the meeting starts. At least some of the other brothers tell us that’s the best travel story they’ve heard in years. Well, that’s something, isn’t it?

Ever try to sit in an all-day business meeting when you’re on virtually no sleep? Try it sometime. Barrels of joy. Isaac didn’t get his car taken care of until noon. And by that time, we were concerned he was lost somewhere in Memphis, or maybe even in Mississippi without realizing it.

But the new tires were fine, and we had no problems on the drive back to Athens. It was a banner trip, if there ever was one.