The Slowly Creeping Insanity

I kind of hate Pixar. I didn't see “Toy Story 3” until a couple weeks ago. When going to the theatre, I certainly did not expect it to take a crowbar to my emotional Pandora's Box. Quick spoiler: When they were at the incinerator holding hands and bracing for the end, I was about to sob uncontrollably. I totally believed they were about to die and I could not understand how Pixar could do that to us.

Knowing the tear-misting effects the movie had, I steeled myself emotionally near the end. I didn't cry, mainly because I was so determined not to. But darn it if the movie would not win in the end.

Later that night, I was lying on the couch watching a DVD. For reasons that I still do not know, I thought back to May. She had come to visit for the weekend, and we were on that couch watching “The Princess Bride.” Eventually, we ended up cuddling. It was later in the night and she was tired, so she was drifting in and out of sleep. I wasn't tired at all, so I was just lying there, holding her, sometimes watching her. Occasionally, she would wake up and look back at me. Once or twice when she did that, she smiled. And it wasn't a smile of excitement. It was a smile of contentment, the kind of smile you have when things are as they should be.

We made plans for me to come up to her and take her to “Toy Story 3.” A few days before I was going to do that, she pulled away again. The reasons she gave were a rephrasing of things she's said before. So I was on my couch, thinking of both of these things, and a wave of sadness swept over me. I couldn't figure out why this was happening, which only made it worse.

Intellectually, I accept why she pushed me away again. But for whatever reason, I can't accept it emotionally. I have in the past, but it's been different this time, and I don't know why. I've tried to sort it out but failed. It's been really hard, because it keeps sneaking up on me and taking me to a place I don't want to go. I have not been able to shake this for some time now, and it's eating away at me. I understand now is not the time. I do. But there is that part of me that is so convinced we are right for each other and that we should be together, and it can't be reasoned with. It will not accept being apart from her. Every conversation with her only reinforces this belief. It nearly makes me sick.

I've long held the belief that we happen in cycles. We are apart and don't talk often for some time, then we start talking again, and we grow closer to each other. At some point, one of us bails, and the cycle begins anew. I've even told her my theory, and she didn't disagree. But with her and me living in the same city for the first time, that cycle is going to end. I just don't know what the result will be. I can't trust myself to be lucid enough to assess the situation accurately, so I don't know what's going on in her head or in her heart.

But I know what's in mine, and it aches for her. I know no other woman like her. I never felt another person was the matching piece of a jigsaw until I met her. I could never completely be myself, flawed as I am, with a woman like I can with her. We can talk for hours, all night, and I still don't want the conversation to end. She knows all my secrets, the ones I don't want to tell myself. I am convinced God wants for us to be together. And I know there's a decent chance she'll read this and know that this is about her. I just don't know what's to come.

I hope she knows that I would move mountains for her, that I am willing to do whatever it takes. I know the price and I want to pay it. And I hope this doesn't completely drive her away. But she knows me as well as I know her, so she knows I couldn't not write this.