Actually... Not

(Note: There are movie spoilers in this post.)

I had seen all the critical raves (Roeper liked it, which is telling). It did fairly well in the box office here in America. Women swoon all over themselves about it. And now, I have seen Love Actually twice. Let me tell you friends, there are romantic movies that leave with an uplifted sense of life and the human condition, semi-satisfying movies that don't really leave an impression but are fun and digestible, forgettable and far-fetched yawners, and movies that insult the concept of romance in the first place.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind stands out as a shining beacon for the first category. I could name a hundred examples of the next two. Love Actually threatens to proudly carry the banner for the last category. I can't remember the last time I saw a romantic movie that actually made me angry, but this one pulled it off.

Now, there are a couple interesting story lines that I followed with a genuine sense of caring, such as Alan Rickman's will-I-or-won't-I affair and Laura Linney's quiet longing for her co-worker. Those are fine. In fact, if the movie was just about those two things, it would be a decent film. No. They had to throw in a barrel full of other stupid ones as well. I will illustrate:

1. The storyline of Liam Neeson's kid who has apparently found the love of his life and learns to play the drums in an attempt to woo her. This is the least offensive of the stories, perhaps because the kid is so darn cute and Liam is charming in his role. But, come on- what father is going to tell his eight or nine-year-old kid he probably has found his soul mate? I didn't even know what my favorite kind of sandwich was at that age. It's madness. Not only that, he allows the little bugger to run around the airport like it's recess or something. He wouldn't be thrown in jail for that? And I don't know what it is about British movies having their kids swear. It's not cute. Maybe they do it for real, as the parents never seem to object.
2. The sex scene stand-ins. This was just weird. They're simulating sex and flirting with each other? Huh? Wouldn't the director tell them to shut up? I know when a chick is pretending to perform fellatio on me, I'm going to ask her out. And they say chivalry is dead.
3. Hugh Grant sure loves to pretend to be Prime Minister. This one had him lamenting his inability to land himself a woman (because we all know women just can't get with what Hugh Grant has to offer) and sort of, kind of flirting with a secretary in his office... house... thing. While Grant is awkwardly amusing as always, we never told why they were attracted to one another, just that they were. They never really had a conversation, and there's no reason to sympathize with Grant when he sees the president of the US (Billy Bob Thornton?!?) putting the moves on her. Not actually kissing her, just whispering in her ear. Apparently in England, that's like sleeping with her. Of course, she says in a Christmas card she's really his, which is a given, considering the 10 minutes of conversation they've shared before. Naturally, he goes bounding all over London, a small town if there ever was one, looking for her. And when he finds her, it's magical. The whole time, I don't think he even knew her last name. I guess that's not important.
4. Ah, Colin Firth. King of the British romances. Or something. This movies has Colin as a writer who finds his wife cheating on him, so he takes a vacation to France (or Portugal- it's never actually said) and has a maid. This maid, of course, can't speak English, and he can't speak Portuguese. Somehow they're able to overcome this small obstacle and fall in love over the course of three weeks. She leaves him... for some reason (they don't say), and he resolves to learn Portuguese. He does so, flies to France (or Portugal- it's never actually said) and asks her to marry him. Um... what? OK, there may be a physical attraction. Fine. But don't you have to actually, uh, COMMUNICATE with one another to establish some sort of bond? They spend all their time together looking at each other weirdly and wondering what the other was saying. I'm supposed to believe this is the bedrock of love? All I have to do is walk up to a girl and look at her a certain way and speak in Wookie for a while? Furthermore, I've been led to believe such strong bonds take time to develop. And it requires, you know, the ability to talk to one another. How do they know anything about each other? It makes no sense. Zero. Of course, I've only known Carolyn about 11 weeks. Maybe that's a telling sign for me. I knew Kat for a year before I dated her, Megan four months or so, Lizz a couple weeks. I think there's a discernible pattern. Maybe not. It's late.
5. This is the one that made me mad, and it started out the most innocently. Keira Knightley gets married to some guy, and his best friend, the best man at the wedding, isn't taking it well. People think that he simply doesn't care for her, but it later gets revealed to her that he actually loves her (she even points out that they never talked. Again, this apparently doesn't matter in England). So what does he do? Makes a series of signs telling her she's perfect and that he loves her. YOU DON'T DO THAT! A lot of girls think that's sweet. No. That is an ultimate betrayal of his (supposedly best) friend. I can't think of a worse way to stab him in the back. If I did that? I'd get gutted and rightfully so. So what does she do? Gives him a kiss. I feel bad for the husband. A fine wife and friend he has himself. Absolutely disgusting. That's right up there with The Village.

I can see why women would like this. People are happy, there are a lot of looks of longing and desire. But... it's empty. There's no substance to it. I'm told that I don't "get it," but I "get it" better than they do. It's not that I don't enjoy stories of love. Look at my list of favorite movies, it proves otherwise. It's just that I believe in a true sense of love, a real connection. That's not two people giving each other semi-meaningful looks for a couple weeks then throwing everything to the wind in the name of "love." I want something concrete. I want something raw. I want something real. I want the joy and the pain of it. I want vulnerability. I want a reason to care, a base for it to work off of. This movie doesn't have that.
Of course, if some of this happened in real life, would these women find it so charming? Unlikely. In fact, some of this behavior is decidedly stalkerish. We make allowances because it's a movie, and that's fine. But if you want to give me love, I expect some sort of exploration of it, not just superficial kisses and throwaway scenes and concepts. Give me something I can sink my teeth into. Give me something to aspire to, something to relate to. Give me reason to believe. That is why Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is so excellent. We see it all. Their relationship is naked for us to explore. Nothing is hidden. We understand what makes their love go. Their experience is shared with us. Love Actually gives us no experience, just the candy. The candy is nice, but I want to know who is giving it to me and why.