Wearing the Crown of Grief

So at this point, I'm sitting around wondering what exactly happened. And I can't really say what or where things turned around, but they sure did quickly.

OK. Allow me to explain.

Carolyn and I had another blowout on Friday. Because it's been a few days since it happened, I might not be able to recall all of the details, but I'm not missing the main blow of what happened. It wasn't pretty.

The thesis of her argument/rant against me is that she feels like I'm not being platonic towards her. In fact, I think I'll use a list of the points she made:

• I'm blowing things out of proportion between us.
• I'm in her room all the time, sometimes sitting there.
• I'm on her floor a lot.
• I don't do much else but sit in my room.
• I talk about this situation with others.
• My world revolves around her (those are her words).
• I make "comments." (example: She shows me a picture of her last boyfriend. I jokingly say, "Gee, I wish I was that good-looking." She flips out. I then say, "Chill out, it was a joke. I don't want to look like that." She snaps, "What's wrong with looking like that?" [rolling eyes])
• Essentially, I'm making it "impossible" for us to be friends.
• She's had problems with some of the poems I've written. You know, the ones she's asked to see.
• She accused me of saying it's OK for her not to like me so long as she doesn't like anyone else. Apparently, I'm a stalker now.
• At one point, she said she was done and was going to take a shower. Levelly, I said, "Fine, have I nice a shower." She snarls, "See? That's what I'm talking about! You just have to be sarcastic all the time." I tell her I wasn't being sarcastic. She claims she knows me well enough to know when I am. I say apparently not, then she says, "Well, maybe we never really were friends."

So yeah, some of this stuff was pretty hurtful. Basically, she's construed everything I've done and said around her to be some sort of... advance on her or something. So in response, she's completely lost it. But in response, I say... yes, I do sit in rooms. A lot of people's. I didn't know that was a crime. And I've been to her room four times in two weeks, once to talk to her roommate. Yes, I am on her floor a lot, mainly because I have about 10 friends other than her there. And if that's the case, I'm not sitting in my room all the time, am I? And even if I was... it's my room. Where else should I go? And forgive me for mentioning some of this to others. It's all very upsetting and confusing. And many of the people I normally turn to aren't around for one reason or another. I didn't know I was sworn to secrecy.

I don't believe I've done anything especially egregious here. In fact, I've theorized she's channeling a lot of the stress and tension she's had this quarter at me, because everyone knows I'm not going to throw it back at her. A couple people agree that this is a possibility. I did get a message from her late apologizing, saying like she feels like it's all her fault, and all she wants is for me to be happy and it is frustrating for her that I'm not (of course, she can be directly blamed for some of that). Well... fine. Whatever you say, princess. What I have decided to do is stay away from her. I'm not going up to her room, I'm not going to talk to her. I told her this, that she's welcome to come to me if she wants, but I'm not going to initiate anything for a while. I just don't need this stress. I don't feel like I deserve it, and if this is how it's going to be, I'd rather not have it.

Today, in fact, we had a short, cordial conversation. It's not much, but it's something. She needs to figure stuff out, and I've been accused of not giving her enough space before. So now I'll give her a football field of space. What I still fail to understand, though, is how quickly this spiraled out of control. Two weeks ago, things were just fine. We were getting along great. I wasn't concerned about the matter of "us," we were just doing our thing. And then she gets mad (overproportionally so) at me at a Wal-Mart trip, the whole sexual harassment thing... it got ugly fast. C'est la vie, I suppose.

So be it. I just know that right now, my conscience on the matter is clear and that basketball is just around the bend.