The Princess and the Wench

I feel almost schizophrenic (I spelled it right on the first try. I'm awesome) these days. On one hand, I have a lot of fun stuff going on... I should be feeling mostly good about things. But then I have the whole other thing that manages to get to me just about every day. And I'm pretty sure I have classes I have to go to as well.

And in the process of writing this, I just got pushed over the edge. But I'll start at the beginning, as most people not named Faulkner do.

It occurred to me the other day that it was stupid for me to keep pining for Carolyn. And there's a very simple reason for it: She's changed. I don't know why, but it's almost like she left and a clone took her place. And in the past couple weeks, she's called me desperate, obsessive, insincere, pathetic, and came this close to calling me a stalker. Of course, she didn't actually use those words, but the message was clear. So I realized, why was I holding onto feelings for someone that's treating me like dirt? I don't deserve that. If this her idea of friendship, I'm not interested. This, of course, is when she's not ignoring me or pretending I'm not there.

Today, though, was the tipping point. You can look at my Facebook wall for the exact words, but she said the white board on my door is filled with "mindless smut" that pollutes her mind. Here is what was on it: a quote from "Friends" ("Ross, you're not an idiot, you're a guy in love." "Same difference."), a note from Kaitlin saying "that's awesome!", a blurb saying Monty is a door decorator attacker, a quote from The Simpsons ("He calls out his bowling ball's name when we're making love!"), and a drawing of a crown and a pronouncement that the king of grammar lives here. This hardly the stuff of Hustler. But this was completely unprovoked and entirely public.

I'm sorry, Carolyn, but who do you think you are? What right do you have to say these things to me? We're not dating. You don't get to comment on my actions like that. This is exactly the kind of thing that's been happening the last month or so. She searches and waits for me to make a mistake (real or perceived) and when I do so, she attacks it with the ferocity of a tiger shark. It's like she's going out of her way to tell me how terrible I am, what my flaws are. From what I can tell, she doesn't do this to anyone else. Right now, she's just being mean. One time, she told me she hates drama and doesn't like conniving women. Well, Miss Miller, that's exactly what you're doing right now.

It's almost tragic. The girl I've written about, the girl I had been dreaming about... this isn't her. It's like after Wal-Mart, she flipped a switch and set it to "cruel." I don't know why. Aside from my anger, I'm so confused. There are so many answers I want. There's so little I know. In her eyes, I can only do grave wrong right now, whether or not it actually involves her.

The girl I thought a knew? She was a princess. She was special. She was worth whatever obstacle I had to overcome. This girl? She's just a wench, and I'd think twice before offering her a hand if she fell in the mud.

So badly, I want to throw it back at her. More than anything, I want to show her what she's been doing to me, embarrass her and hurt her. But I won't. This time, I'm going to take the high road. But I want an apology from her. I want an explanation. I'm an easy person. If she wants a friendship, the door is open, and I will welcome her warmly. It's all on her right now. I'm going to be the one to make the move, though. I've gotten burned by her too many times to know better.