Close Your Eyes and Say Good Night

So I think Nate is getting tired of me destroying him in Smash Bros. I don't even remember the last time he's won a game. Speaking of games, I've been playing Betrayal at the House on the Hill, which is a lot of fun. Basically, it's a board game in which 3-6 players are exploring the neighborhood haunted house. The twist is that one of the party is a traitor. At some point the game, the traitor is revealed along with his plan. The traitor tries to accomplish whatever goals s/he has and the heroes try to stop him. You don't know who the traitor is or what the scenario is in advance; it's all random. Good fun for a group, and just about anyone can enjoy it.

Basketball plays Kent Sunday at 2. As it turns out, Kent chose their home MAC opener for their "let's try and sell out the gym" promotion, so it looks like the Bobcats are going to be playing in front of a full house on the road. Ohio hasn't played well at the M.A.C. Center recently, so I'm not too optimistic on this one.
On a vaguely related note, I owe a friend of mine a high-five and jealousy because he achieved the Impossible Dream, dating a volleyball player. I'm pretty sure his life is more awesome than mine now.

At the moment, I'm listening to "Story of a Girl" by Nine Days and it makes me feel good and sad at the same time. I'm weird.

Met Emma's boyfriend, Noah, today. Nice guy. We seem to have a lot in common, so we've gotten along pretty well. They seem pretty good for each other. Hope they are; she deserves a break to go her way.
A quick thought about relationship-esque things: I'm pretty sure TV and movies are to blame for this, but I realized at some point in the recent past that I'm terrified to do anything physical with women. I'm completely convinced that they don't to be touched, don't like to be kissed, don't want to have sex... none of that. Yes, it's insane, but whenever I'm trying to touch, kiss, whatever, I'm always thinking she doesn't want to, that only guys like this and girls just want to... talk or something. On a related note, I always like it 500% more when a girl is the one to initiate a hand holding or whatever. I'm pretty sure Shasta likes it when I pet her, though. So I do it a lot.

Anyone who's known me a while knows that for whatever reason, my roommates typically don't stick around for a while. Well, I have one that doesn't look like he's leaving anytime soon... and I can't stand him. He's a slob, he's dirty, and he doesn't do anything. The other day, he was smelling the room up so bad that I had to leave. And this is even with an Air Wick and employing Febreeze. He doesn't put his dirty clothes in a hamper or bag or anything; instead, he throws it all into one giant pile. Mind you, he has a clothing bag or two, but they've been incorporated into the giant pile. He moves it from his bed to his chair depending on which he's using. He's been sleeping in until about 6 p.m. He doesn't go anywhere, doesn't talk to anyone, just sits at his computer and does... whatever all day. Seriously. He doesn't move. Nobody other than his twin brother has ever come to visit him. I mean, is he even alive? Oy.

But hey, it's not all doom and gloom. The Australian Open starts on Sunday! And here is a very cool game that I discovered at random a little bit ago; it got Cheryl Sadler completely hooked.
Food for thought: Is Christianity in America a lie? Honestly, I think it is. A former professor once put forth the theory that there are two Christianities, a religious Christianity and a social Christianity. The people that belong to the latter don't really know or really care about the tenants and lifestyle of the faith, but use it as a rallying point for whatever it is they want to accomplish (see: gay marriage). The Religious Right is a pretty good example of this. Is their mission religious or political? It's hard to argue in earnest that it's God directing them when a lot of what they do flies in the face of the teachings of Jesus.

And I can't remember if I mentioned this, but some jerk has been stealing markers or breaking the tips off them from my whiteboard. Honestly, who does that? Why? It's not funny. I don't get people. If you have a problem with me, just come to me. I'd like to think I'm reasonable.

Really Trying Not to be Emo

I feel really emo sometimes. I can't help it. It's just like... everything goes out of its way just to kick me. I don't get it. I really don't.

OK, some happy stuff first: The basketball team smacked around Bowling Green tonight, 69-47. BG was never close, and the defense played quite well. The 'Cats are now 2-0 in the MAC and 11-4 overall with a date with Kent on Sunday. A win there and the sky is the limit. I said before this is the best team in my five years at OU, and I haven't seen anything to change that. Also, the first Dervish of the quarter is up.

Some introspective stuff: I still feel trepidation/am a little afraid around Carolyn. A little bit with Kat, too, but that's different. With Carolyn, it's like I fear that I'm going to start liking her again, or that I never really stopped liking her in the first place... and that's only going to cause the both of us pain. I'm so paranoid. I mean, I don't feel like I like her anymore. It's just... weird, seeing her, being around her, remembering how we were at each other's throats last quarter. And that's just supposed to be forgotten? Well, probably, but it's not how I'm used to going about things. I'm not sure where she fits in, or where she's supposed to fit in. And I guess with Kat, it's just like our relationship. I'm waiting for something bad to happen. It just doesn't feel right. The other shoe should be dropping (remember the paranoia?) for some reason, even though there's absolutely no reason to expect it to. And that's my problem, really. I'm always convinced I'm going to get hurt or I'm going to hurt someone else.

Bad stuff: Speaking of, I hadn't mentioned Jessica in... um... some time. I had sent her a little thing for Christmas with a card, a bookmark with her name and a Bible verse, and a poem I wrote her. I hadn't heard from her in a couple weeks, so I was getting afraid that either she didn't get it or that she did and did not like it. Well, I finally got a hold of her a couple days ago. She said that she did get it, and that it was totally sweet and that she loved it. Awesome. I message her tonight and she tells me she's having an "intense" conversation with her former boyfriend... the one that cheated on her. So, based on recent events and my own protective nature, I naturally jump into defense mode. And boy did that conversation not go well. She said it was weird because it had been so long but he's the only guy she's ever truly loved, and they've been hanging out now that she's in North Carolina, and he's planning on enrolling at BYU-Idaho in the future, and he might be angling for something... during the course of the conversation she said I was making her feel dumb and that I was jumping all over her (which really just made me feel terrible, let me tell you). Ugh. That could not have gone much worse.
I mean... if when everything is said and done she gets back with this guy, that's pretty much the worst case scenario. I would be completely devastated by that. A guy throws away the one thing I never and he gets it again? I couldn't take that. Am I getting ahead of myself, jumping to conclusions? Absolutely. Is this the sort of thing that happens to me? It totally is. (Remember the paranoia?)

In other words, I hate women. I think I should just move out to California with Mr. Chesnut and start over or something.

But I should think positively, right? I mean, after all, this whole thing just means that the door is open for someone else.

Three day weekend coming up. That'll be nice. Maybe we'll head up to Kent for the game Sunday. I don't know. I do know I have a lot of work to do. I want to work on my AmeriCorps apps too. It's only the second week of the quarter and Kat already looks quite tired. The girl does too much; she only gets three hours or so of sleep a night. Why work like that? I said she should drink a lot of Red Bull. She said she doesn't want the crash and will fuel herself with "personal motivation." Right. I think the body will just refuse at one point.

So This is the New Year

You know, every year we get the political cartoons and platitudes of leaving the bad of the previous year behind. It was most prevalent in 2000 as we bid "goodbye" to Hitler, McVeigh, etc. We act as though because we have to buy a new calendar, it's somehow a fresh start, a clean slate. I don't get this. Nothing changes on January 1st but a number. We never leave anything behind, we don't start anew. And if we did, we never do anything with it. Look at 2001. Look at 2006. We do the same terrible, stupid, destructive things that we always have. I'm not saying a new year isn't worth celebrating, but let's not delude ourselves. The same crap happens every year.

So we started with the new quarter this week. Like I said earlier, I think I have a pretty solid slate of classes. So when I started the quarter out, I was feeling pretty good. I get to Bentley for my first class at 11, walk into the classroom, and who do I see? Kat. Freaking Kat. I just wanted to laugh. I mean... come on. Why? See, I'm God's hackey sack. He loves to mess with me.
The part that I found even weirder- and even frightened me a little- is that we actually talked for about 10 minutes after the class and it wasn't even awkward at all. I mean... shouldn't it be awkward? The last time I saw her, she was dumping me. There should be something a little weird about talking in that circumstance.
And as a quick aside, Carolyn and I have actually been able to talk to each other without any problem, which has helped to give me some closure I didn't know I needed. The whole thing still hurts, though. I don't heal quickly.

As someone pointed out to me, I'm a full-throttle guy. I don't hold back. I'm all the way. And because of that, I get the highest highs and the lowest lows. That's pretty much true. She recommended that I try to temper myself a bit... I just don't see how I can do that, though. I mean, it's not... not me. I don't know. I have closed my heart off again, though... I just can't take another blow again. I just can't. I know it makes Melissa mad, but it's a survival thing.

OK, something a bit happier. The basketball team opened the MAC season off last night against Akron, the preseason favorite in the conference. And let me tell you, that game was hot. The O Zone was completely packed; kids were standing in the aisles and it spilled over into the section above us. The rest of the crowd looked pretty full (the official attendance was about 5,300, but it looked more like 7k). Our props of spinwheels and giant foam bricks came in, and it was really cool to see them in action. Most of all, we were loud and active. Especially after a couple monster alley-oops by Jerome Tillman, the O Zone was as loud as I've ever heard it. The whole thing was great. I hope we keep that up all year.

And lastly, I need to say I just found out that someone very important to me was hit by her ex-boyfriend while they were dating (left a bruise one time). It made me furious, to the point that if he were nearby, I would've grabbed some sort of weapon and went to town on him. You just DO NOT DO THAT. EVER. And it bothers me just as much that she didn't feel like she could tell me or anyone else out of concern for him. It's all so wrong on so many levels. And another friend of mine is being stalked by an ex-boyfriend, which brought her to tears the other night. I don't get it. I really don't. How can guys treat women with such disrespect? What did they do to deserve it?

There's so much I cannot understand.

Still Holding on for Dear Life

Man, my family is exciting. My father spent most of the day sleeping on the couch and my mother watching dumb stuff on TLC. Me? I bought face paint.
So it's December 29. When did that happen? I saw someone mention that in four days, we'll be back in Athens. And you know, that never really hit me. I had thought about it (sort of), but not like that. Now it's, "Holy crap!" It's not that I don't want to go to Athens, but dang, it's almost catching me by surprise.
There are, of course, things I am very much looking forward to and anticipating in the upcoming quarter. Naturally, basketball season has me seriously pumped. I'm taking a slate of classes that I think I will enjoy. Heck, I'll even have a car. Yes, thanks to Ashley's woeful grades last semester, I'm getting the Escape. Wee! I'm getting the beds debunked, so maybe I can actually get a decent night's sleep. I'm also bringing down a few items to make the place feel a little homier for me. And last (but certainly not least), I have in my possession a George Foreman grill. Oh yeah.
But there are things that concern me. A certain girl could make things more difficult than they need to be. Mind you, she shouldn't, and I really see no reason why she should. But it's still something I'm scared of. For good reason? I don't know. It's just not something I'm doing a good job dealing with, and I don't even know why! It's all very strange. But... whatever. If she's going to pull crap, I'll deal with it somehow. I have more important things to worry about than her.
One such thing is me inching closer and closer to graduation. And there's two things with that: I don't know what I'm doing come June. I really have no idea. People ask, and I have nothing to tell them. I have things I want to do, but I don't have anything I'm going to do. Plus, there's the very real fear for me that I'm going to fail. I'm terrified of myself. I don't think I can do this. I've convinced myself I'm going to let everyone down, that I'm going to fall flat on my face (if I haven't already yet and just haven't realized it).
And if I may digress for a moment, this is part of the reason I'm convinced I can't make anything work with women. I feel like I bring nothing palpable to the table, and I'm far too dependent. I need it, yet nobody in their right mind would take someone as screwed up as me. These are things I actually think about on a constant basis. This is why they always bail after a few weeks. They start to see the truth. Welcome to manic depression.
I suppose it's not all gloom and doom. There is tomorrow's game against UC tomorrow at The Q. That should be fun (especially if we win).

I don't know. Everything is either coming together or falling apart. I just can't tell which. It would be a big boost to me, though, if Jessica enjoys what I sent her earlier this week.

I Hate Christmas?

Wow, it's been a month? Sorry about that. Anyway... Despite the May-like temperatures here in Twinsburg, Christmas season is upon us like Shasta on a dropped pepperoni. We all know what that means: Christmas lights, increases in suicide attempts, awkward office parties, Egg Nog, conversations about how toys were better when we were kids, and people regularly casting aspersions upon me because I "hate" Christmas.

That, of course, is silly. If something involves Jesus, I'm for it, generally speaking. To borrow from Allen Iverson, "We're not talking about Jesus. We're not talking about Jesus. We're talking about Christmas. Christmas?" I just don't go along with the American Christmas culture. For some, that means I hate the holiday. So be it, but I like to see myself as a critical thinker and I'm going to question and reject some of the commonly-held notions of the holiday.

So in that vein, here's my views on Christmas:

- I don't like getting beaten over the head with things, and I don't like being told what is the "correct" way to do something. If you know me, you know I lash out at that when it happens to me. Now that the holiday is starting to encroach on Halloween, it's simply too much. It's overwhelming. And the people that tell me how I ought to embrace the so-called Christmas spirit and celebrate it the same way they do... shut up. Just because it means something different to me than it does to you does not mean you're "better" at it than I am. Get over yourself.

- Sorry, but December 25 is not Jesus' birthday. The holiday is celebrated when it is because the Catholic church put it there to compete with a popular pagan festival. I don't have a problem with that, but facts are facts. "Well, don't you want to celebrate the birth of the Savior?" Of course I do, but I don't need a specific date to do it, and I don't know why you do, either. Aren't we supposed to revere Him 365(6) days a year? You don't get extra credit for Christmas. It just fits into the social mores of our culture that we loooove our birthdays. Besides, the birth itself isn't quite as important as the death, the resurrection, or the ascension. So why isn't Easter given the same treatment?

- I don't hate Christmas music. I really don't. However, I'm not going to like said music just because it's Christmas. That philosophy applies to everything, by the way. I don't like poop more just because it came from Shasta instead of a deer. There is some really, really good Christmas music out there. The Charlie Brown Christmas album and Trans-Siberian Orchestra spring to mind immediately. I could listen to that all year. The problem... well, there's two problems. The first is that for many years, my house was playing the Harry Connick Jr. Christmas CD on a constant loop, which is ear-bleeding bad. That's not going to make someone like Christmas music. The second is that you have the same 15 songs being played, except there's 500 different versions of them that really aren't different at all. Remember what I said about being beaten over the head? The original versions of many of those songs are still the best and still fantastic. Give me those, and throw the rest out. No, we don't need A Britney Spears Christmas. Spare me.

- The Christmas specials. Please, stop. It's too much. I get it: Some guy is a high-powered whatever who is making money at the cost of his family. Something happens and he realizes the importance of his family and that the money really doesn't matter. Great. Now stop making 10 movies with that theme. Just like the music, it's all recycled crap. Give me something original, please. Isn't this a wonderful holiday? Can't we think of something new? As terrible a movie as "Love Actually" is, at least it did something different with the Christmas theme. I'll give it that much. There's a reason everyone watches "A Charlie Brown Christmas," "It's a Wonderful Life," "A Christmas Story," and the Patrick Stewart-led "A Christmas Carol" over and over (and for those of us that know enough, "Scrooged."): They're good movies or TV. They're enjoyable, and they happen to work the Christmas theme in. Even if it was about, say, a rodeo, they would probably still be good.

- Christmas decorations... this can go either way. If you haven't seen that awesome display from last year, just search for "Christmas lights" on YouTube. It's amazing. The thing here is that... it seems like people are trying to prove they have more "Christmas" spirit by throwing up more decorations than their neighbor. That sort of thing annoys me. Plus, it's really bothersome when someone's porch is filled with crap and you're trying to drop off a package. It's just like throwing on a sweater with trees on it just to show everyone else how into it you are. I guess I just don't like posers.

- Gift giving. I'll skip the whole consumer corporate culture thing. We all know that story. On my mom's side of the family, we do a secret Santa thing. Everyone knows how it works. The part that bothers me is that these are people I see once or twice a year, so when I get it, it doesn't really mean anything. I'm required to provide a list. All that's happening is that somebody is choosing something from my list (and is under the $25 limit), and I'm doing the same. We hand it to each other, essentially just buying something for someone when we all could have gotten it for ourselves and saved time. The actual exchange of the gifts is meaningless. It's a soulless procedure.
Really, I don't like the concept of a Christmas list. If you have to ask me what I want, you don't really know me. You're just doing the legwork and I'm doing the thinking for you. If I want something bad enough, I'll get it myself. So there isn't anything come Christmastime I'm uber-excited about getting. That means, then, I want to be surprised. I want you to put some thought and effort into the process. I want it to mean something. Nothing means more to me than something I never thought of but you did.
I never ask someone what they want for Christmas. And if they tell me what they want, they're less likely to get it from me. I go out and I think and I look at stuff. I get it if it speaks to me and I think it is something that would resonate with the person. You never know what you're getting from me! Isn't that how it should be? Gifts from me are the end of a process and something that means something. It demonstrates I know you and I care.
I *love* giving gifts and frankly, I couldn't care much less about getting any in return. The greatest thing ever is a person saying, "Wow, that's really cool" to something I gave them. And that's the greatest present I could ask for (cheesy music).

- So there's this movie coming out, "Unaccompanied Minors." Apparently they get stuck in an airport overnight by themselves or something... I don't know. But the trailer promises that they will learn "the true meaning of Christmas." I will bet cash money that this meaning has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus Christ. And guess what? THAT IS NOT THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS. JESUS IS THE MEANING. I'm sure you've heard "the reason for the season." Well guess what? It's true. Christmas without Jesus (Christ, you know, as in Christmas) is like the 4th of July without the Constitution. It means nothing.
People are especially giving and generous this time of year (allegedly), which is great. But too many people are giving at Christmas and not the rest of the year. Charities have all they can handle at Christmas and not the rest of the year. This "true meaning" of Christmas should apply to the rest of the year. That's what it's really about. Somewhere, we lost that.
Also, I hate Santa Claus. I've been killed for this (especially by the future Mrs. Brownrigg), but I'm not afraid to say it. I wish he would go away. In fact, I'm resolved not to do this to my children. I have two thoughts on this:
1. I don't know why I get grief for choosing not to participate in institutional lying to kids.
2. It all goes back to the whole "reason for the season" thing. We're teaching kids Christmas is about getting presents and being good for rewards, not because of Jesus and the joy of giving (or being good because you're a kid and that's your only freaking job). In essence, we're teaching them the wrong things. I refuse to be a party to that. I will fail my future kids in enough ways anyway.

I think that's it. I hope that clears some things up and that you've thought about what I said here. My goal wasn't to try to persuade, just to establish my position on the matter.