The Princess and the Wench

I feel almost schizophrenic (I spelled it right on the first try. I'm awesome) these days. On one hand, I have a lot of fun stuff going on... I should be feeling mostly good about things. But then I have the whole other thing that manages to get to me just about every day. And I'm pretty sure I have classes I have to go to as well.

And in the process of writing this, I just got pushed over the edge. But I'll start at the beginning, as most people not named Faulkner do.

It occurred to me the other day that it was stupid for me to keep pining for Carolyn. And there's a very simple reason for it: She's changed. I don't know why, but it's almost like she left and a clone took her place. And in the past couple weeks, she's called me desperate, obsessive, insincere, pathetic, and came this close to calling me a stalker. Of course, she didn't actually use those words, but the message was clear. So I realized, why was I holding onto feelings for someone that's treating me like dirt? I don't deserve that. If this her idea of friendship, I'm not interested. This, of course, is when she's not ignoring me or pretending I'm not there.

Today, though, was the tipping point. You can look at my Facebook wall for the exact words, but she said the white board on my door is filled with "mindless smut" that pollutes her mind. Here is what was on it: a quote from "Friends" ("Ross, you're not an idiot, you're a guy in love." "Same difference."), a note from Kaitlin saying "that's awesome!", a blurb saying Monty is a door decorator attacker, a quote from The Simpsons ("He calls out his bowling ball's name when we're making love!"), and a drawing of a crown and a pronouncement that the king of grammar lives here. This hardly the stuff of Hustler. But this was completely unprovoked and entirely public.

I'm sorry, Carolyn, but who do you think you are? What right do you have to say these things to me? We're not dating. You don't get to comment on my actions like that. This is exactly the kind of thing that's been happening the last month or so. She searches and waits for me to make a mistake (real or perceived) and when I do so, she attacks it with the ferocity of a tiger shark. It's like she's going out of her way to tell me how terrible I am, what my flaws are. From what I can tell, she doesn't do this to anyone else. Right now, she's just being mean. One time, she told me she hates drama and doesn't like conniving women. Well, Miss Miller, that's exactly what you're doing right now.

It's almost tragic. The girl I've written about, the girl I had been dreaming about... this isn't her. It's like after Wal-Mart, she flipped a switch and set it to "cruel." I don't know why. Aside from my anger, I'm so confused. There are so many answers I want. There's so little I know. In her eyes, I can only do grave wrong right now, whether or not it actually involves her.

The girl I thought a knew? She was a princess. She was special. She was worth whatever obstacle I had to overcome. This girl? She's just a wench, and I'd think twice before offering her a hand if she fell in the mud.

So badly, I want to throw it back at her. More than anything, I want to show her what she's been doing to me, embarrass her and hurt her. But I won't. This time, I'm going to take the high road. But I want an apology from her. I want an explanation. I'm an easy person. If she wants a friendship, the door is open, and I will welcome her warmly. It's all on her right now. I'm going to be the one to make the move, though. I've gotten burned by her too many times to know better.

Actually... Not

(Note: There are movie spoilers in this post.)

I had seen all the critical raves (Roeper liked it, which is telling). It did fairly well in the box office here in America. Women swoon all over themselves about it. And now, I have seen Love Actually twice. Let me tell you friends, there are romantic movies that leave with an uplifted sense of life and the human condition, semi-satisfying movies that don't really leave an impression but are fun and digestible, forgettable and far-fetched yawners, and movies that insult the concept of romance in the first place.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind stands out as a shining beacon for the first category. I could name a hundred examples of the next two. Love Actually threatens to proudly carry the banner for the last category. I can't remember the last time I saw a romantic movie that actually made me angry, but this one pulled it off.

Now, there are a couple interesting story lines that I followed with a genuine sense of caring, such as Alan Rickman's will-I-or-won't-I affair and Laura Linney's quiet longing for her co-worker. Those are fine. In fact, if the movie was just about those two things, it would be a decent film. No. They had to throw in a barrel full of other stupid ones as well. I will illustrate:

1. The storyline of Liam Neeson's kid who has apparently found the love of his life and learns to play the drums in an attempt to woo her. This is the least offensive of the stories, perhaps because the kid is so darn cute and Liam is charming in his role. But, come on- what father is going to tell his eight or nine-year-old kid he probably has found his soul mate? I didn't even know what my favorite kind of sandwich was at that age. It's madness. Not only that, he allows the little bugger to run around the airport like it's recess or something. He wouldn't be thrown in jail for that? And I don't know what it is about British movies having their kids swear. It's not cute. Maybe they do it for real, as the parents never seem to object.
2. The sex scene stand-ins. This was just weird. They're simulating sex and flirting with each other? Huh? Wouldn't the director tell them to shut up? I know when a chick is pretending to perform fellatio on me, I'm going to ask her out. And they say chivalry is dead.
3. Hugh Grant sure loves to pretend to be Prime Minister. This one had him lamenting his inability to land himself a woman (because we all know women just can't get with what Hugh Grant has to offer) and sort of, kind of flirting with a secretary in his office... house... thing. While Grant is awkwardly amusing as always, we never told why they were attracted to one another, just that they were. They never really had a conversation, and there's no reason to sympathize with Grant when he sees the president of the US (Billy Bob Thornton?!?) putting the moves on her. Not actually kissing her, just whispering in her ear. Apparently in England, that's like sleeping with her. Of course, she says in a Christmas card she's really his, which is a given, considering the 10 minutes of conversation they've shared before. Naturally, he goes bounding all over London, a small town if there ever was one, looking for her. And when he finds her, it's magical. The whole time, I don't think he even knew her last name. I guess that's not important.
4. Ah, Colin Firth. King of the British romances. Or something. This movies has Colin as a writer who finds his wife cheating on him, so he takes a vacation to France (or Portugal- it's never actually said) and has a maid. This maid, of course, can't speak English, and he can't speak Portuguese. Somehow they're able to overcome this small obstacle and fall in love over the course of three weeks. She leaves him... for some reason (they don't say), and he resolves to learn Portuguese. He does so, flies to France (or Portugal- it's never actually said) and asks her to marry him. Um... what? OK, there may be a physical attraction. Fine. But don't you have to actually, uh, COMMUNICATE with one another to establish some sort of bond? They spend all their time together looking at each other weirdly and wondering what the other was saying. I'm supposed to believe this is the bedrock of love? All I have to do is walk up to a girl and look at her a certain way and speak in Wookie for a while? Furthermore, I've been led to believe such strong bonds take time to develop. And it requires, you know, the ability to talk to one another. How do they know anything about each other? It makes no sense. Zero. Of course, I've only known Carolyn about 11 weeks. Maybe that's a telling sign for me. I knew Kat for a year before I dated her, Megan four months or so, Lizz a couple weeks. I think there's a discernible pattern. Maybe not. It's late.
5. This is the one that made me mad, and it started out the most innocently. Keira Knightley gets married to some guy, and his best friend, the best man at the wedding, isn't taking it well. People think that he simply doesn't care for her, but it later gets revealed to her that he actually loves her (she even points out that they never talked. Again, this apparently doesn't matter in England). So what does he do? Makes a series of signs telling her she's perfect and that he loves her. YOU DON'T DO THAT! A lot of girls think that's sweet. No. That is an ultimate betrayal of his (supposedly best) friend. I can't think of a worse way to stab him in the back. If I did that? I'd get gutted and rightfully so. So what does she do? Gives him a kiss. I feel bad for the husband. A fine wife and friend he has himself. Absolutely disgusting. That's right up there with The Village.

I can see why women would like this. People are happy, there are a lot of looks of longing and desire. But... it's empty. There's no substance to it. I'm told that I don't "get it," but I "get it" better than they do. It's not that I don't enjoy stories of love. Look at my list of favorite movies, it proves otherwise. It's just that I believe in a true sense of love, a real connection. That's not two people giving each other semi-meaningful looks for a couple weeks then throwing everything to the wind in the name of "love." I want something concrete. I want something raw. I want something real. I want the joy and the pain of it. I want vulnerability. I want a reason to care, a base for it to work off of. This movie doesn't have that.
Of course, if some of this happened in real life, would these women find it so charming? Unlikely. In fact, some of this behavior is decidedly stalkerish. We make allowances because it's a movie, and that's fine. But if you want to give me love, I expect some sort of exploration of it, not just superficial kisses and throwaway scenes and concepts. Give me something I can sink my teeth into. Give me something to aspire to, something to relate to. Give me reason to believe. That is why Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is so excellent. We see it all. Their relationship is naked for us to explore. Nothing is hidden. We understand what makes their love go. Their experience is shared with us. Love Actually gives us no experience, just the candy. The candy is nice, but I want to know who is giving it to me and why.

The Times, They Are A-Changin'

Welcome to Ohio... Democratic stronghold? Sometimes, I thought Ohio would forever remain a red state. Sure, the Buckeyes helped lift Clinton to victories in 1992 and 1996, but the GOP has been running the state since Richard Celeste was term limited out of office 20 years ago.

Tonight, though, that's changed. Ted Strickland beat the holy crap out of Ken Blackwell with nearly 60% of the vote today, giving the fiery Congressman the governor's seat. Sherrod Brown unseated career politician Mike DeWine in the Senate. Betty Montgomery, as popular a Republican there is in this state, lost in her bid for attorney general. In fact, the only major state-level race the Republicans won was the auditor race. It is indisputable now that Ohio is a blue state, all in one sweeping night. Remarkable, if you think about it.

It took nothing less than unmitigated disaster for the Republicans to lose their death grip on Ohio, of course. Bob Taft's approval ratings were historically low to the tune of 6% in March 2005. Six percent! Even six percent of women like me. That's not disapproval. That's hatred. Has anyone even seen him in the last two years? He might be dead. No one knows.

The people have handed the keys to the elephants; now it's their time to take them and start the engine. People are going to want results. If they don't get them, the Republicans are going to sweep right back into power. It is probably a good thing, then, that Strickland is the standard-bearer for the Democrats, as he is a no-nonsense man who pursues his agenda with a rabid, dogged determination. The Republicans look to have kept control of the General Assembly, so he's going to have to work on a bipartisan attitude, and that's not easy for him. His feud with Blackwell has been sizzling the past handful of years. He doesn't like the Republicans. They don't like him. It would not be surprising to see the GOP gridlock everything in an attempt to get him out in 2010.

Interestingly, more people more people voted for Issue 5 (smoke free) than for the governor's race. The economy and whatever is fine, but don't mess with people's lungs. That's not going to be tolerated around here. While I abstained from voting on the issue, I am happy it passed. Of course, the immediate 50 feet around restaurants and bars are going to suck to be around now.

Issue 2 passed. I'm stunned and delighted. More money for everyone! This is great. Of course, people will whine, "it hurts business!" Yeah, all those previous minimum wage increases really screwed everyone, didn't they? They didn't seem to mind raising prices and profits. It's about time we took some of it back. $6.85, baby!

Issue 3 failed, which is good. I am very much in favor of legalized gambling, but I want the money going to the people, not the casino owners. Give us a good profit sharing plan, and I'll support it.

Issue 4 failed. Anytime you can stick it to Big Tobacco, I'm happy. I really thought the confusion ruse would work. Kudos to the American Cancer Society for rolling out the war drums on this one.

Wearing the Crown of Grief

So at this point, I'm sitting around wondering what exactly happened. And I can't really say what or where things turned around, but they sure did quickly.

OK. Allow me to explain.

Carolyn and I had another blowout on Friday. Because it's been a few days since it happened, I might not be able to recall all of the details, but I'm not missing the main blow of what happened. It wasn't pretty.

The thesis of her argument/rant against me is that she feels like I'm not being platonic towards her. In fact, I think I'll use a list of the points she made:

• I'm blowing things out of proportion between us.
• I'm in her room all the time, sometimes sitting there.
• I'm on her floor a lot.
• I don't do much else but sit in my room.
• I talk about this situation with others.
• My world revolves around her (those are her words).
• I make "comments." (example: She shows me a picture of her last boyfriend. I jokingly say, "Gee, I wish I was that good-looking." She flips out. I then say, "Chill out, it was a joke. I don't want to look like that." She snaps, "What's wrong with looking like that?" [rolling eyes])
• Essentially, I'm making it "impossible" for us to be friends.
• She's had problems with some of the poems I've written. You know, the ones she's asked to see.
• She accused me of saying it's OK for her not to like me so long as she doesn't like anyone else. Apparently, I'm a stalker now.
• At one point, she said she was done and was going to take a shower. Levelly, I said, "Fine, have I nice a shower." She snarls, "See? That's what I'm talking about! You just have to be sarcastic all the time." I tell her I wasn't being sarcastic. She claims she knows me well enough to know when I am. I say apparently not, then she says, "Well, maybe we never really were friends."

So yeah, some of this stuff was pretty hurtful. Basically, she's construed everything I've done and said around her to be some sort of... advance on her or something. So in response, she's completely lost it. But in response, I say... yes, I do sit in rooms. A lot of people's. I didn't know that was a crime. And I've been to her room four times in two weeks, once to talk to her roommate. Yes, I am on her floor a lot, mainly because I have about 10 friends other than her there. And if that's the case, I'm not sitting in my room all the time, am I? And even if I was... it's my room. Where else should I go? And forgive me for mentioning some of this to others. It's all very upsetting and confusing. And many of the people I normally turn to aren't around for one reason or another. I didn't know I was sworn to secrecy.

I don't believe I've done anything especially egregious here. In fact, I've theorized she's channeling a lot of the stress and tension she's had this quarter at me, because everyone knows I'm not going to throw it back at her. A couple people agree that this is a possibility. I did get a message from her late apologizing, saying like she feels like it's all her fault, and all she wants is for me to be happy and it is frustrating for her that I'm not (of course, she can be directly blamed for some of that). Well... fine. Whatever you say, princess. What I have decided to do is stay away from her. I'm not going up to her room, I'm not going to talk to her. I told her this, that she's welcome to come to me if she wants, but I'm not going to initiate anything for a while. I just don't need this stress. I don't feel like I deserve it, and if this is how it's going to be, I'd rather not have it.

Today, in fact, we had a short, cordial conversation. It's not much, but it's something. She needs to figure stuff out, and I've been accused of not giving her enough space before. So now I'll give her a football field of space. What I still fail to understand, though, is how quickly this spiraled out of control. Two weeks ago, things were just fine. We were getting along great. I wasn't concerned about the matter of "us," we were just doing our thing. And then she gets mad (overproportionally so) at me at a Wal-Mart trip, the whole sexual harassment thing... it got ugly fast. C'est la vie, I suppose.

So be it. I just know that right now, my conscience on the matter is clear and that basketball is just around the bend.

My Shiny Dome Reigns Yet

I was informed today that it snowed 3-5 inches back home. As ever, I'm glad I'm in Athens. I can still see the green grass here.

So Carolyn came to me the other night and told me the reason she was curt with me was because she was trying to concentrate on the economics paper and my attempts at conversation were annoying her. She said she would've reacted that way to anyone... but she could've just told me to stop talking. But whatever. It is what it is. Then last night, I try to make a joke and she completely takes it seriously and rubs her the total wrong way. Oy. Sometimes, I can't win. But I keep telling myself I'm not going to let her keep me from doing my thing. I spend too much time worrying over this girl. Yes, I have a ridiculous, intense liking for her, but whatever resolution that is going to come will not for quite some time. I need to learn grace and patience in the matter. I still think that in the end, we'll be together. I just need to stop thinking it's going to happen tomorrow or today. I need to relax.

On a much happier note, basketball season is breathing down my neck like some creepy homeless guy desiring my ice cream. We have our exhibition tomorrow, and for the first time in my student career, we have actual regular season home games during fall quarter! I can't explain how exciting that is. I used to have to wait until January to get my Convo on. Not this year! And have I mentioned I get to lead the scoreboard chant this year? Oh yes. It will be a wonderful season. Basketball is a perfect thing to allow me to forget about things that actually matter. Here's to the bread!

Random: In an interview, President Bush called it "The Google."

I need to get some reading in the Malcom X biography out of the way this weekend. It has to be read for my history final. Good times. And I should have a couple new things up on Newsvine this weekend as well, if things go to plan. But for now, I'm hungry.

Azure

I dare not close my eye
lest I miss your crystal sky
and dance in the golden rain
where the darkness was slain
Taking wing and letting go
to look down, observe the show
Cascade around our face
make it our place
The size of a fist
and no outside exists.

Just Keep On Keepin' On

The world, as Kracha was fond of saying, hadn't come to an end.

No, the world isn't over. There are three quotes I have on the wall above my computer: Job 2:10 (perhaps my favorite Bible verse), Ephesians 6:10-17, and this sentence from Thomas Bell's Out of This Furnace. More than anything else, it's supposed to remind me that no matter what crap is piling up around my neck, it's not over unless I'm being lowered into the ground in my overly expensive coffin. No one thing is going to ruin my life. In effect, the world hasn't ended.

It's a good thing to keep in mind for people like me that can overanalyze and let things get the better of them. Kracha had an affair, lost his wife, lost his second wife, got thrown in jail, and lost his business, but the world didn't end. He still had a life to live, something to make it out of. And I'm certainly in a much better position than he was. I just need to try and control the situation instead of the situation controlling me. I can't dictate the actions of others, so I can't let their actions dictate me. It's a constant battle against myself for supremacy between reason and panic.

Take tonight, for instance. I was sitting in Carolyn's room and she was working on a paper for her economics class. I was reading the newspaper, taking in the local information on the upcoming elections and chatting idly. At one point, she got frustrated and went to talk to Tyler for help. After she came back, I was done with the newspaper and was curious about what she was working on, so I looked at it. "Having fun?" she muttered. I could tell she was struggling with it, so I offered my help, limited as it was. "Don't help," she cut off quickly. "I just want to figure it out myself." I immediately thought, "Didn't you just seek out Tyler for help?" A few minutes later, she declared she was done working on it for the night and she was going to go hang out with Bethany and Tyler. It would be real easy for me to take that scene and think she was just trying to get away from me. But that's silly, right?

The world... hadn't come to an end. I have that and Shel telling me to stop being an idiot playing in my head as a loop. I really wish I had something of a stabilizing force around- the girl is anything but stabilizing. Oy.

And then last night, Jessica writes on my Facebook wall about the hug we had a few years ago at the New Year's party. If I were to construct a list of the top five most important moments in my romantic history, that would be on it. I don't get it. The girl just loves playing with my head... or maybe she just likes to keep me warm when she's not around. All you female types are very maddening. I don't like it.

Oh, and there's a new column up.