Picking Up the Pieces, One More Time

It's hard not to think about the latest girl experience that went sour, especially when it just ended so recently. You want to tuck the pain away, want to find something else. You want to find a way to bury yourself in whatever can make you forget for a while. Problem is, when you don't have anything else to do, your thoughts tend to keep coming back to the place you're trying to get away from.

Instead, I'll try and embrace it, to piece it together. I'm not surprised that the relationship is over; if anything, a lot of people would have bailed on it before it got to this point. But if nothing else, I am a person who will carry a lot of weight before casting it aside. Oddly enough, I recently had two dreams that involved her dumping me. Odd because they turned out to be prophetic, and odd because I don't really dream much. It's kind of freaky to think about. What did surprise me is that she said she never wanted a relationship in the first place. That, friends, was the stomach punch. That is what I did not see coming. She said she felt tricked into it (nonsense), but she did like me and she wanted to "give it a try." Also, she said she didn't want to hurt me. Apparently, the better solution is to pretend to be my girlfriend for three and a half months.

Eventually, she got bored (my analysis, not hers). Perhaps she found someone else to hold her interest. But long after she stopped being interested in me, she kept this up. Needlessly, she dragged this out. For no reason, she allowed me to think things were OK, for me to try and see her and do things with her.

She pretended to be my girlfriend, to like me. She just... acted like she wanted to kiss me, like she wanted me to touch her. I don't think she realizes how terrible of a thing that is. I have yet another trust issue.

Where did truth end and the lies begin? Was it when she said she'd miss me when I left after visits? Was it when one night she had her head on my chest and said, "I like you a lot" without provocation? Was it when she said how happy she was I was in town for the winter?

I should have seen the signs. They were there. Well, I saw them, but I didn't take them seriously. Her enthusiasm wasn't there. Conversations were always cut off after a while. Once again, I blind myself. I refuse to acknowledge the bad. I want to believe too much.

I've made statements before along the lines of "I'm done," that I'm shutting my heart off. I'm not saying that this time; that gets me nowhere. All I'm saying is I am lost and confused. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to stop this from happening. I just want the pain to go away. It's all I want. I don't know what I've done to deserve this, but I want to know how to fix it so it'll stop. I'm not even saying I want to be happy. I just want this to end.

Sometimes I feel like everyone is in on the joke except me. If everyone is having a good time, well, at least I'm doing something for the world.