Not That I Pretend to Have Anything Figured Out, But...

Last night, the phone rang. This is a fairly seldom occurrence on its own, so I'm usually surprised when it happens. What nearly shocked me though was that "Immigrant Song" was playing from the phone. That's the ex-girlfriend's ringtone. I hadn't bothered to change it, because why would I? So I just sat there for a moment, making sure I was hearing what I thought I was hearing. Yep, sure was. I stared at the phone for a couple seconds. Should I answer it? Sure.

What followed amounted to an admission on her part. She had problems. She was doing things she shouldn't have been doing, and she realizes fully what that meant at last. There were people she hurt, so she wanted to apologize to those people.

I never expected an apology, so getting one was a pleasant surprise. Yeah, it felt good. If someone comes to me and I think they're contrite, I'm pretty quick to forgive. Some may say that's a bad thing, but I disagree with those people. If she's serious about fixing things, I want to help her in whatever way I can. I hope she can, because there's so much good that can come of it if she does.

In my hurry to get to tonight's basketball game- and by hurry, I mean arrive before the one hour to tip countdown started- I left my keys in the car. And for whatever reason, I liked it on the way out. And for pretty much the first time, I elected to do so by pressing the button on the door. I don't think I had ever done it that was before. Why did I do that? No idea. Possible subconscious sabotage, maybe. But I didn't even realize this until the game was over (four straight for the Cats!), so I had to tromp to Tim's place in the rain- wasn't good for my wig- and call the police to help me.

They came, but they couldn't get the door open. Phone calls were made, and a locksmith was found. The game probably ended in the 9:30 range, and this episode didn't resolve until about 12:45. Outstanding. Plus, whatever the police did trying to get the door open, the passenger door doesn't open from the outside anymore. For those of us keeping score, I've locked myself out of my car and my apartment in the span of 10 days. Go me.

Sometimes, Life is Pretty Wonderful

I just want to say, if you've never listened to Explosions in the Sky, you need to leave this blog now and do so. I can't recommend it enough or praise them enough. Their music is, quite simply, epic. I can't wait to turn off the lights, close my eyes, and just experience them. It's a rare treat.

I don't often have them, but Saturday was a genuinely good day. There was basketball (a too-close win over Ball State), there was helping a friend, and there was going to Casa Cantina at night to watch Southeast Engine play. A townie was really enjoying himself, running around, dancing, waving his drink glass around. People dancing in the middle, not well or technically but clearly just riding the moment. There's just something great about having a pint of raspberry wheat (good stuff!), jamming along with your friends to a great band. When we all screamed "whooooooa!" during "Where Are You Now?" it just felt... genuine, you know? Like this is one of the moments of life that you always will remember. It wasn't white-knuckle exciting, but it was the manifestation of something you can't fake. Having my oldest OU friend with me (among others), taking in an excellent performance by one of my favorite bands... it doesn't get a whole lot better than that, does it?

A Notice

Not that you care, but I've added labels to all of my posts. Some are more useful than others.

Just Wondering...

Would it be really wrong to say, "Why so serious?" at Heath Ledger's funeral?

Locking the Closed Door

It is interesting how your friends will hold people who have hurt you in the past in greater contempt than you do. Take Tim, for example. When I told him I was going to have lunch with an ex-girlfriend, his response was, "What is wrong with you? Do you just sit around thinking, 'What is the worst thing I can do today?'" While funny, it is also pretty harsh. Yeah, when that ex dumped me, it sucked. But I've gotten over it. We've talked many times since, even sat next to each other in a class we were both taking. I have no ill will toward her. Tim's not alone in his vitriol. Opp told me that he "hates" the girl, which seems to be a pretty extreme reaction. Considering what other girls have done to me, aborting a relationship early seems downright benign in comparison.

Anyway, she hadn't been to Rio Grande before. It being my favorite restaurant in Athens (free chips and salsa!), I suggested that be the place we go to. She got there at 1:15, and we left at about 4:30 (giving me precious little time to prepare for the beating of Kent State that was to start at 6). I was actually nervous about it beforehand; this was the first time we had specifically set aside time to hangout since we broke up almost two years ago. Would it be awkward? What were we going to talk about?

As it turned out, my fears were unfounded. Our conversation spanned a wide array of topics and at no point was there an awkward pause. I had forgotten how easy it was to talk with her. Excepting Tim and possibly Melissa, I don't know of anyone else I have an easier time talking to. Furthermore, I've yet to meet another girl with whom I relate to on as many levels and issues. That makes for pretty easy talking. We did touch the topic of our relationship. I had no intentions on bringing it up, but she alluded to it and my curiosity moved it. She said she didn't feel that we were clicking. And you know what? I can respect that. No problem. Yeah, I felt blindsided by it (she said that was really painful for her), but if that's how it has to be, I can deal. Besides, it's been a while since that happened. I didn't think about it, but it was nice to have that final closure on things.

I'm still not quite sure what to make of this, but she told me I'm the most interesting, fascinating person she's ever met, and I would be very difficult to top. Yet she has no feelings for me beyond that of a friend. So it goes for me, I guess, always missing the pitch just enough to foul it off instead of hitting it into the stands. She said she wanted someone more extroverted and someone she could dance with. Little did I know that the joke I've cracked about that was true! I'm weirdly insightful on accident sometimes. Thinking about it, I could very easily marry someone like her and be very happy. But not her.

I can't say I'm out looking for someone like her. Even on its face, that would be foolish; I haven't met anyone else quite like her. More than anything else, it's nice to know it is possible to transition back to being friends, that the ground doesn't have to be burned behind you. We'll do a lunch again, I'm sure, and have a great time. That's what friends do.

That Asian Logic is Just More Efficient is All

I know whaling is an issue that is on the forefront of everyone's minds; it certainly occupies much of my day. But I did notice in last month's National Geographic a short piece about suspicions that Japan is secretly commercially whaling, which was banned in 1986 because there were about 11 whales left alive. And then I came across this story a few minutes ago. It featured this gem:

" Japan says the annual hunt is necessary to prove whale populations have recovered enough to justify a return to commercial whaling, which was banned in 1986."

So let me see if I have their argument right. They want to show that whale populations have risen to the point where they can be hunted again. And in order to prove it, they're going to go out and kill whales. Isn't that sort of like arguing that I have enough money to retire with and trying to prove it by spending the retirement fund?
Also, I continue to love the Aussies. They're sticking up for the whales, and good for 'em. And they should, because whales are pretty cool. Think about it: If you saw a whale in the wild, wouldn't you remember that for the rest of your life? If someone you know says they've seen one, don't you ask them to tell you about it? Isn't that something worth protecting?

On a related yet coincidental note, I got my National Geographic Society membership card in the mail. Neat. With it is an offer to renew my dues/membership (it expires in July) early. And if I do so, I get to lop $15 off the price. Considering subscribing to the magazine has been nothing but an absolute joy, I intend to take full advantage of this.

I also feel impelled to pass this story along to you (assist to Cheryl). This is a very big, very important, and very unnoticed problem. You would think with all the horror stories that the Vietnam era had to tell would leave us better equipped and more willing to tackle this problem, but we seem determined to repeat our mistakes. People are paying a very heavy price for a war that was entered into in a cavalier fashion. The toll taken for war is not always told in the casualty count. This is why we as a people need to move forward and make war less and less common.

It also highlights a frustrating trait many in our society share: The fear and refusal of counseling services. There is still the sense that going to a psychologist or a counselor is a sign of weakness, of unmanliness. When people hold that mindset, they keep things in until they're killing their wives for reasons they don't even understand. Starting now, we need to teach our children: If you are troubled, get help. That is the right thing to do. There is no such thing as weakness.

Watch It, Old Man

It's a sad moment in your life when you say the following to yourself without a hint of irony: "Stop trying to do that. You're not 17 anymore." For whatever reason, I've started thinking of myself as 24, even though I don't turn 24 for several months. Bah. I think this is really only a tennis thing; I keep thinking about the glory days (such as they were) of high school.

I'm not old. I still look 16, and my maturity level is probably less than that. But... I feel a little proud of myself. I finally bought and assembled a desk and a chair. Yes, before this, I was sitting on the floor when using the computer. I actually have furniture now. Go me. If anyone knows me, you know this is something of a major accomplishment for me, as I'm so terrible at such things.

Also, I got access to ESPN 360, and they're showing five matches AT A TIME! Holy crap! Good times ahead. And the Harlem Globetrotters are going to be here Wednesday... game against Akron Thursday... life is looking pretty good. Just stop snowing.

My Yearly Reminder That I Want to Marry an Australian

Second week in January. You know what that means! You don't? Oh, well, I'll tell you: The Australian Open! Rah! Yay! Woo! OK, I know I'm the only one that's excited. Work with me here. I have two weeks of compelling tennis and crazy Aussie fans to look forward to, and I'm gonna enjoy it, dag nab it!

Sort of enjoy it, at least, because I don't have cable. But I can follow the scores online! Oh yeah!

Went to BG last weekend for the first OU basketball game of the conference season. Not only did the game suck (I haven't gotten around to uploading the pictures), but I accidentally passed Cedar Point on the way, which only served to remind me about the great day I had there with the ex-girlfriend... totally and completely destroyed my mood. And that made me think about more things she said that now suck to think about, but I'll spare you. You get the idea.

I have to pass along this anecdote, though. On Sunday, I stopped at Steak 'n' Shake because I had a thing for a free shake. Seeing as I wasn't going to be in the area for a couple months, I decided to use it right then. Also, I wanted to stop by and see if Angela was working to bother her. Well, guess who was working? Yeah. I just sat down and looked straight forward, avoiding seeing her at all costs. Of course, she comes right up to me and says hi... and rubs my back. Why? Why would you do that? She sits down (ugh) and begins to make small talk (give me a freaking break). That led to this gem:
Her: How are you?
Me: Can't wait for this week to be over.
Her: Why?
Me: It's been a crappy week.
Her: Really?

No, not really. In fact, I did a cartwheel when you dumped me because I was so happy. Yes, it was a sucky week. Not only did you inform me our relationship was a sham, I drove across the state to watch my basketball team lose to a terrible Bowling Green squad. After that, she stroked my arm momentarily. Again, why? Don't touch me. You gave up that right. I spotted Angela after a couple minutes and beckoned over. "Oh, but you're talking."
"I know. Get over here."
The ex, thankfully, felt awkward enough to get up and leave. Then after I left, she sends me a text message! Unbelievable. I can't get the girl to get in touch me while we're dating, now she won't leave me be when I didn't want to see her. I called Angela later to give her a hard time, and she said the ex was acting weird around her after I left, almost like she was guilty. She apparently said to Angela, "I broke Jeffrey's heart, didn't I?" No, you didn't. Can't break what you don't have. Bruised, yes. Broken, no. Angela said she didn't really sound remorseful about it, which is just kind of... weird. How can you be so unaware of your actions and how they affect others? Whatever.

I was able to go to a movie viewing ("The Big Kahuna") and a discussion afterwards from a spiritual standpoint. That was really good, as I'd been feeling really disconnected from the faith in recent months. I need to get re-centered and back to the important things. I did a great job of that today by sleeping through church.

Thankfully, the week ended well with a beating of Miami on the hardwood. I always feel good after that! We tried to storm the court but failed miserably, which was one of the most horrifying events of my life. Seriously, that was a nightmare come to life. The players, thankfully, sort of bailed us out by coming to us in the stands. That was a great moment.

Now, if you're an Aussie and single...

On One Hand...

Two more things I thought of. One time we were talking on the phone and she said, pretty much out of nowhere, that things would really open up in the summer when we wouldn't be tied to our respective towns. Another was she talked about on multiple occasions how she really wanted my parents to like her, how that was important to her.

That was all her. Meeting parents, having dinner with her family, all her. Yet she never wanted a relationship? It makes my head spin.

On the plus side, Kohl's is selling socks at buy two, get one. I needed new socks, so score. I'm excited. Tomorrow I'm heading to BG for the MAC opener against the Falcons, then back to Athens on Sunday. Good times are ahead. Can't wait to have some Sonic.

Picking Up the Pieces, One More Time

It's hard not to think about the latest girl experience that went sour, especially when it just ended so recently. You want to tuck the pain away, want to find something else. You want to find a way to bury yourself in whatever can make you forget for a while. Problem is, when you don't have anything else to do, your thoughts tend to keep coming back to the place you're trying to get away from.

Instead, I'll try and embrace it, to piece it together. I'm not surprised that the relationship is over; if anything, a lot of people would have bailed on it before it got to this point. But if nothing else, I am a person who will carry a lot of weight before casting it aside. Oddly enough, I recently had two dreams that involved her dumping me. Odd because they turned out to be prophetic, and odd because I don't really dream much. It's kind of freaky to think about. What did surprise me is that she said she never wanted a relationship in the first place. That, friends, was the stomach punch. That is what I did not see coming. She said she felt tricked into it (nonsense), but she did like me and she wanted to "give it a try." Also, she said she didn't want to hurt me. Apparently, the better solution is to pretend to be my girlfriend for three and a half months.

Eventually, she got bored (my analysis, not hers). Perhaps she found someone else to hold her interest. But long after she stopped being interested in me, she kept this up. Needlessly, she dragged this out. For no reason, she allowed me to think things were OK, for me to try and see her and do things with her.

She pretended to be my girlfriend, to like me. She just... acted like she wanted to kiss me, like she wanted me to touch her. I don't think she realizes how terrible of a thing that is. I have yet another trust issue.

Where did truth end and the lies begin? Was it when she said she'd miss me when I left after visits? Was it when one night she had her head on my chest and said, "I like you a lot" without provocation? Was it when she said how happy she was I was in town for the winter?

I should have seen the signs. They were there. Well, I saw them, but I didn't take them seriously. Her enthusiasm wasn't there. Conversations were always cut off after a while. Once again, I blind myself. I refuse to acknowledge the bad. I want to believe too much.

I've made statements before along the lines of "I'm done," that I'm shutting my heart off. I'm not saying that this time; that gets me nowhere. All I'm saying is I am lost and confused. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to stop this from happening. I just want the pain to go away. It's all I want. I don't know what I've done to deserve this, but I want to know how to fix it so it'll stop. I'm not even saying I want to be happy. I just want this to end.

Sometimes I feel like everyone is in on the joke except me. If everyone is having a good time, well, at least I'm doing something for the world.

And a Happy New Year to Me

Nothing like ringing in 2008 by being dumped. So change the "semi-girlfriend" to "ex-girlfriend." All along, she never really wanted a relationship. She was just giving it a trial, pretending.

Once again, I've been played for the fool. I'm never going to learn.

I want those three and a half months back. I want the money I spent back. I never really said this before, but I want it all back. I want to do it over again... then not do it. Really, I don't know what I got out of this but grief and a couple things I'm already started to regret.

At least this time, I've managed to do it in a different way. Maybe that's growth.

Self-Loathing in 2008

If one good man plants himself upon his convictions, the whole world will come round. -Emerson

I am fully cognizant of the fact that, at 23, I am still young. Some people wait a lifetime- some more- for that to hold true. Yet I can't help but wonder I have planted myself on firm ground or quicksand, if I will stand tall or watch the earth swallow me whole.

This is almost certainly an overreaction to a semi-fight with who feels sometimes like my semi-girlfriend, but I'm questioning if my choices and decisions in life haven't isolated me from the greater part of the humanity around me. If she understands and respects those decision as she claims, she does not accept them or agree with them. Nor do most people. The problem with living your life differently than most do is you meet resistance from those who, for whatever reason, take offense (however unjustifiably) at your life. And people who tend to live their lives like I do seem to pair off rather quickly. It makes sense, I guess: When you're on that path, you realize there aren't many others on that path, and you want to hold on to one if you can find one.

(Quick aside: Since when does a closed door mean I want to be bothered every 10 minutes? Stop it.)

In all, I feel increasingly alone. I don't feel like it's anyone's fault, really, and I don't have any idea how it can be changed. I can't change my stances, even if she wants to pressure me (a little) to do so. It's who I am, and I can't be anyone else. I don't do pretense well, even if my mother would like me to pretend to give a crap about the guests in the house.

Maybe the world will come round. More likely, it'll crush me.